14 Things We Need To Let Go Of In 2014

2014

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. Somehow the thought of promising to do a bunch of things I’m never going to do and then feeling guilty about not doing them, isn’t appealing to me. I don’t need to get stuck with a hangover in July and agonize over my commitment to not drink Diet Cokes or end up disappointed next December when it dawns on me that I never learned Spanish. It’s too much pressure. Instead, I like to focus on all of the things that other people should stop doing. In fact, I say we all ditch our New Year’s resolutions and collectively agree on a bunch of stuff we need to let go of in 2014. I’ve even come up with a list that should make it relatively easy for us because everything on it is awful. Starting with:

#1 Gifs

Does anyone even know how to say this? For two straight years I’d been pronouncing “gif” like the things you get on Christmas morning only to find out recently that the G is soft and it’s supposed to sound more like the peanut butter brand. Now I’m living in complete denial, like when I found out my cat was a boy and not a girl after two years of having him and refused to switch his gender in my mind. I just can’t bring myself to pronounce it properly. Besides, gifs were cute at first when they were only on sites like myfriendsaremarried, but now I feel like I need seizure medication just to open my homepage. If I wanted to be stuck in a perpetual state of Déjà vu, I would make it the time I crushed Billy Barnes in an arm wrestling match in the third grade and not Tina Fey being awkward in every possible scenario.

#2 Saying “That moment when”

“That moment when you’re not in Oregon and you go to buy gas and realize you have to pump it yourself.” What?! I don’t live in Oregon and I don’t own a car, so I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. While I understand the general concept behind the “that moment when” quips, I feel like they’re heavily abused. The only thing that would make these hashtags mildly entertaining would be if they were obviously relatable, which so often, they aren’t. This leaves anyone who bothers with Twitter, sifting through a sea of “moments” that have happened to other people that they have no idea how to interpret. It’s enough to make you put down your phone and go back to work.

#3 Twerking

twerking

Not the actual act of twerking, but the incessant hype surrounding it. Or more just the word “twerking” itself. People act like shaking your ass is a revolutionary new idea that only materialized within the last twelve months. However, anyone who’s spent any time in a second rate Tampa strip club in the nineties, knows this isn’t true. “Twerking” has been around for ages, it’s just never had such a ridiculous moniker. Yet now that it does, every talk show host in the world can demand that their guests do some awful, watered down, kitschy version of it to get a rise out of the audience. It’s embarrassing for everyone involved, not to mention slightly disrespectful to the tried and true pioneers of the movement. This is what real twerking looks like. I’d like to see Bethenny put that on her morning show.

Speaking of which…

#4 Bethenny

Bethenny

Bethenny’s had a good run. She was the only tolerable cast member of the original Real Housewives Of New York where in a world chock full of false sophistication and fabricated pedigree, you could always count on Bethenny’s rude antics and brash speech to cut the others down to size when they started to believe they were anything but reality TV stars. It was easy to root for her when she was building her empire of low calorie booze and stumbling through the perils of marriage and motherhood, even if her constant roller coaster of emotions did begin to wear a little thin at times. However, since being unemployed, I’ve found myself watching her self titled talk show from behind pulled covers and through squinted eyes, as it’s so cringe worthy, it easily rivals Julia Stiles’ performance in Save The Last Dance. Not that I can blame her. If a major TV network was waving a million dollar check in front of my face with the stipulation that I had to be sassy (!), and “keep it real”, and not at all afraid to talk about sex, I’d probably do it too. But that doesn’t mean I have to watch. Yes Bethenny has had a good run, but I think her ride is over.

#5 Kale

kale

Kale is absolutely vile, yet for whatever reason, people can’t seem to get enough of it. I’m guilty. I’ll admit it. For the last year I’ve been downing kale in everything from juices, to salads, to chips, yet I’m not all together certain why. At some point, eating kale just became something we were all supposed to do and I’m sick of it. Now brussel sprouts are on the rise. You can’t go into a restaurant without seeing them prepared a hundred different ways and often in the company of some kind of cream sauce or pancetta, which to me, sort of defeats the purpose of eating a brussel sprout in the first place. How anyone could get this excited over something so healthy is beyond me. So I think it might be time to curb the kale frenzy. It’s a vegetable for Christ’s sake, not a cronut.

#6 Cronuts

cronuts

Can we all just chill the fuck out about cronuts?

#7 Saying “I just threw up in my mouth a little bit”

I can’t believe I’m even writing this in 2014. Zoolander was thirteen years ago! Yet saying “I just threw up in my mouth a little bit” is still, 100 percent, the go-to expression for communicating disgust. And it’s not just everyday, oblivious people who are guilty of it. Actual comedians on television and in movies, who should know better, are still spewing this tired old line. It blows my mind every time I hear it simply because I’m amazed that the person who said it isn’t embarrassed by what a stale, exhausted, and worn out reference they just made. I’ll make you a deal. If we all agree to let this barfing business die, I’lI stop trying to bring back “slow your roll”.

#8 Miley Cyrus

MileyCyrus

You need me to explain this?

#9 Using A Sign To Beg For Likes And Shares On Facebook

Facebooklikes

No way! Your dad’s gonna buy you a puppy if you get a million likes on Facebook? Guess what? Your dad’s a dick for whoring you out to a world where your self worth is determined by the amount of clicks you get on a picture you posted. Why didn’t he just ask you to clean your room or something, like a normal parent?

#10 All Of These Words:

Totes, Obvie, Rando, Convo, Deets, Amaze, Cray, YOLO and any other stupid abbreviations that serve absolutely no purpose in life other than to annoy the shit out of the people who don’t say them. However, with all of the extra time the people who do say them save, you would think they might have gotten the types of jobs by now that don’t require their parents paying their rent.

#11 Everyone Trying To Make Me Cry All The Time

I feel like I’m surrounded by emotional challenges. I get emails with subject lines that say “If this doesn’t make you cry, you have no soul.” I look on Facebook and see links to videos that tell me “If you’re not in tears by the end of this, you have no heart.” “You’re basically an android.” “There’s something WRONG with you.” Well maybe there’s something wrong with you! You ever think of that? After all, you’re the twisted asshole who keeps trying to turn me into a sloppy, weeping, mess on my living room floor with all of these horrendous faithit links! So just knock it off already!

#12 Needing A Password To Order A Pizza

Seriously? I get that in the age of the internet, identity theft is rampant. If I want to shop online, or make a reservation or leave a comment on a blog, I have to open several different accounts, which nearly always require passwords, so that no one may impersonate me whilst doing something as mundane as browsing iTunes. However, I went to order a pizza off of a website the other day and was asked to create an account with very specific instructions as to what my password should contain. One upper case letter, one lower case letter, a numeral, an eye scan, a DNA sequence. I’m sorry, but are you fucking kidding me? Just who the hell is going to hack into the pizza mainframe and intercept my order?! Exactly how secure do my pizza preferences have to be? Because having to create a password to get one delivered, almost makes me willing to walk the sixty feet to the corner to pick it up…almost.

#13 People Taking Pictures Of Themselves In Cars

CarSelfie

Is there a more boring place to take a picture of yourself than in a car? Let me answer that for you: No. There isn’t. And telling me where you’re going (to dinner, the recording studio, on the way to your history final) doesn’t make it any better. It goes without saying that via the explosion of different forms of social media, people’s shameless self-indulgence is at an all time high, however the car selfie has got to be the worst offender in a vast ocean of unbridled conceit. Why? Because there is absolutely nothing of interest happening in a car. No landscape, no ambiance, no other people. So when someone takes a picture of themselves sitting in a car they are simply saying, loud and clear: Just. Look. At. Me. Well I have a better idea. How about you just look at the road?

#14 Trying To Be Happy

Never have I seen so many young, privileged, people trying so hard to be happy. There are countless articles written about it, blogs named for it, workshops attending to it. Who ever said we’re supposed to be happy all the time, anyway? We’re not. And the pressure to do so might be what’s making us unhappy to begin with. It’s OK if you’re not completely content with your life twenty-four hours a day. Can you imagine what a boring person you’d be if you were? Going through shit storms, feeling uninspired, hating the way you look and having guilt over not accomplishing enough are just some of the things that make you interesting, relatable and human. Not to mention, if you’re reading this, then you have internet access and if you have internet access, it stands to reason that you have a computer, which makes me think you probably have a place to live, with electricity and plenty of food to eat and clean clothes to wear, which are all things that an enormous amount of people living on the planet today, do not have. This is not to say that people shouldn’t strive to better their positions in life, however it seems like so many of us are no longer content with a regular amount of happy, yet dead set on being maniacally jubilant, all of the time. If you really want to be happy, keep off of Facebook where it looks like everyone has more stuff and is always having a better time than you.

On that note, I hope everyone has a very Happy New Year!

P.S. I asked my brother what he thought we should let go of in 2014 and he said “What about the capital gains tax? And don’t even get me started on dividends!” which just goes to show the difference in how we spend our days.

  • http://www.chimerikal.com/ Erika

    I love the way you write, Kelly. Even if I’m not always 100% on-board (I’m okay with kale, haha), I just love your perspective and your unapologetic bluntness. KEEPING IT RHEEEEEEEEEEEL. Anyway, Happy New Year! Let’s hope for your sake that we can look back on this year in 2015 and think, “Oh, I forgot about [Bethenny, Miley, Car Selfies]” because they were eradicated from popular culture. :)

    • RheelDaze

      Erika, you know you’re one of my favorites so that means a lot to me. Ugh, kale! I know! I don’t think I’m going to be able to stick to dropping that one. It has a hold on me like no other super food right now. Bloody kale is the bane of my existence. Happy New Year Erika! BTW, I really liked your week of repeats. It was fun to look at your archives.

  • Awesomely Over-Zealous

    *round of applause* yes!! Especially #11, 13, 14 – Holy crap its like every second there’s some sad sap story that makes you vulnerable and icky – I don’t want that ish otherwise, I’d watch Lifetime! Is that a girl or a boy taking a car-selfie? and yes I totally agree we’re all too focused on being “happy and fulfilled” just be content – there are people in 3rd world countries trying to make it. No promises on the “cray,” “YOLO,” and “I just threw up a little bit in my mouth” – some things are worthwhile to annoy others, just use sparingly. Happy 2014 Kelly! -Iva

    • RheelDaze

      You know Iva, you keep saying YOLO. It suits you actually. I always laugh when I see the enthusiasm with which you write it. So you get a pass. And you’re dead on about Lifetime! Seriously, there’s a reason I steer clear of that channel. Unless Steel Magnolias is on. That one gets me every time.

      • Awesomely Over-Zealous

        Lol glad I get a reprieve 😀 Lifetime is a trap, a deadly trap. Im adding another one to your list: commercials asking for donations – STOP IT ASPCA!!! I’ve seen like 15 already WTF! I’m putting my FOOT DOWN!

        • RheelDaze

          I was actually going to include the ASPCA commercials in the “Stop trying to make me cry” category but the length of the post was getting out of hand. I completely agree though. I don’t need to see wet, shivering animals with Sarah McGlaughlin playing in the background in order to have sympathy for their situations. I think everyone’s pretty exhausted by those ads.

  • http://www.wanderlyn.com/ Eternally WanderLyn

    I completely agree! I think you need to add the word ‘amazeballs’ to that list though. I still read and hear that word everywhere! I’m not even sure how ‘amazeballs’ got so popular. Loved all the rest. Let’s hope these are left behind in 2013. 😀

    • RheelDaze

      Amazeballs is in a category all its own. I got shivers just writing it.

  • http://muchtomydelight.com/ Jenn from much to my delight

    I think what I like most about your blog and writing style is that you steer clear of the typical cliches so abused and overused on the internet these days. I am with you on (almost) all of this, but I am a kale eater (I’m over 35; I feel i have no choice). I had a cronut in 2013–and like most things that are overhyped–felt kinda meh about the whole thing. Keep rockin’ the great posts in 2014, Kelly.

    • RheelDaze

      I feel the same way about yours Jenn! What you write is always so refreshing and funny but thanks for the compliment on mine. As for the kale, yeah, I don’t see that one going anywhere either. I have it in my juices after the gym and I’ve kind of gotten used to the taste now and when I can tolerate something that healthy, I really have no business snubbing it.

  • http://thefearlessscribe.blogs

    Yes, Yes, Yes!! To all of this! I’d like to add ‘Men wearing skinny jeans” to the list. Please make this awful trend go away. Happy New Year!

    • RheelDaze

      I can get on board with that. I also thought of anyone doing an ironic robot with the limp swinging arm and people saying anyone called and wants anything back in a sarcastic fashion. Ex: “1984 called and wants it’s (insert 80’s reference/insult here) back.

  • http://www.thewineglassmanifesto.blogspot.com/ Alisha KP

    Totally agree on pretty much ALL of the above. Although I can’t relate on the cronut level – never had one.

    Also, saying I just threw up in my mouth is actually GROSS.

    • RheelDaze

      Do you have Bethenny in NZ? Just curious. And to be honest, cronuts are kind of amazing. Have croissant/half donut and there’s this place in NY that just kills it. However there are actual services here where a person will stand in the one hour line to get one for you. A bit over the top if you ask me.

      • http://www.thewineglassmanifesto.blogspot.com/ Alisha KP

        Well, not really, but I always see Bethenny in those trashy mags where she’s praised for her ‘bikini body’ (not that I read those magazines… *eyes dart quickly to the left*), but didn’t realise she had a show until you mentioned it. I imagine it’s as riveting as counting the days until Jessica Simpson gets pregnant again.

        Also – we have cronuts here. I’m just not a donut fan, so prefer to spend my calories on champagne and gooey caramel things.

        • RheelDaze

          We really do need to make this international meet up thing happen sometime. I just laughed out loud when I saw your amendment to the trashy magazine comment. I suffer from a need to have those magazines when I’m in the airport. But anyway, yeah, she’s awful. Now at least. You’re not a donut fan? I’m not sure I’ve ever heard anyone say that before. Well I love champagne and gooey caramel things as well so we can always sip and much on those. No objections here.

          • http://www.thewineglassmanifesto.blogspot.com/ Alisha KP

            Where do you live? I will add you to my ‘list of places I will go when I win Lotto’ list (feel special? You should).

            BETTER YET – come to NZ – I just had a friend visit and totally outdid myself on the Tour Planner scale. Check this out http://vimeo.com/83551570

            I just think there’s too much dough and not enough chocolate in doughnuts. They’re basically a sweet bagel, and bagels are the most boring food on the planet.

          • RheelDaze

            New York! That’s an easy one to add to the list. So is NZ though. That’s a hot spot right now. I would love to go there. Everyone I know who’s been says it’s like nowhere else. You know I sit home some nights and watch nothing but hakka videos. I’d love to see one in person.

          • http://www.thewineglassmanifesto.blogspot.com/ Alisha KP

            That is SO easy. My cousin is moving her family to New York (specifically, Westchester – which I hear is not really New York at all but it’s a darn sight closer than NZ) and I’m planning a trip Summer 2015. DONE.

          • RheelDaze

            YEAH!!! 2015, I’m writing it down! I’m originally from across the river from Westchester. It’s not far out of NYC, about thirty minutes. I’ll see you soon!

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  • Erin O’Brien

    I totally agree on almost all of these. As far as the last one goes, I think you’re right. It’s okay to not be completely content all the time. Our culture has become so much about instant gratification that it can be easy to forget this.

    • http://www.therheeldaze.com/ RheelDaze

      Completely. Also, If it weren’t for all of the bad times, how would we appreciate the good?Thanks for stopping by Erin!