Ain’t No Babies Up In This Crib

BeFunky_Cairo Kelly 1

Is this someone who’s comfortable with kids or what? Still love my wardrobe choice.

Whether or not I want to have kids is something I’ve always been unsure of. My pendulum of emotions on the subject swings so drastically that in the span of a month, I can go from being one of those self-righteous assholes who dry heaves any time the subject of babies comes up, to practically scanning the subway for potential sperm donors.

Being in my thirties isn’t helping, especially since I’m not in any position to have a child right now. As the time slips away to potentially mother something, I wonder if my decision not to do it when I had the chance, was the right one.

The way I see it, there are only a couple of good reasons to make a person. In my case, both of them are extremely selfish, but then so are most reasons to have a kid on purpose. On one level, I feel like it would be nice to have one when I’m older. I see how much my parents appreciate me and my brothers and I figure when I’m in my sixties, I’ll want someone to come over to my house and pay attention to me because God knows I’ll probably still be single. In short, the idea of not dying alone is significantly more appealing than the alternative. So there’s that.

Then there’s the fact that I’m super big on experiences. I hate missing out on stuff and isn’t being a parent supposed to be like THE experience in life? Even if I don’t necessarily want to put in all the crazy effort it takes to raise a child, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to chance never getting in on this miracle everyone’s always going on about.

These thoughts have a tendency to scrape at me on a regular basis. I question whether or not in twenty years I’ll look back on today and kick myself for not gracing the world with all kinds of little “me’s” and realize maybe, just maybe, I got it all wrong.

Cut to last Monday morning.

After months of tolerating a work environment that was making me ill, I quit my job. Walked right the fuck out in the middle of my shift. I’ve left many jobs in my life but never like this. Generally I’ve been fired but mostly I’ve given the courtesy of two weeks notice. This situation however, was so bad that I couldn’t stomach one more minute, so I left before lunch.

Later, when reflecting on the nature of my exit, I began dreaming up the kind of dire scenarios it would have taken to make stay. At the top of my list was having kids. If I had kids there’s no way I could have left like I did, with no back up plan, no foreseeable employment in the future. Then, when I pictured the mental state it would have taken to get me through the rest of that day and indefinitely after that, I thought thank God I don’t.

Not having to put up with an awful boss is one great thing about being barren but there are plenty of others. I decided to make a list so that the next time I’m freaking out about my future, I can remind myself how perfectly acceptable the present is. Here are some of my favorites:

All Of The Money I Make Is Mine

That’s right. I get to keep it all! No diapers, no Bjorns of any kind, I’m not picking up cupcakes for the PTA bake sale. Instead I’m best friends with Grubhub and ordering pay per view movies with reckless abandon because it’s my money and I can be as careless with it as I want. Well maybe once I find a new job I can, but you get what I’m saying.

Who Cares About A Hangover?

Have you ever had to be fully responsible for the life of another human being whilst dealing with the aftermath of mixing cheap Chardonnay and pickle-back shots? Oh really? I haven’t. Want to know why? Because I don’t have kids. Hangovers are annoying but totally workable when you don’t have anything to do. In fact, I quite enjoy them so long as it isn’t a warm sunny day out that I feel guilty for not taking advantage of. Now throw a child into the mix. If you’re lucky enough to talk it into staying in the house, instead of that Housewives marathon you’ve got DVR’d, you’re watching episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba until it’s time to play a game. Kids always want to play games.

You Cut Your Chances Of Looking Like An Idiot On Facebook In Half

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I would love to say that without a doubt, I wouldn’t turn into the kind of person who was so enthralled with what I’d created that I’d assume everyone I know would be interested in its sleeping habits or when it developed the ability to utilize its neck muscles, but what the hell do I know? People lose their minds when they have children. I know I’ll end up embarrassing myself publicly one way or another, but it seems like abstaining from motherhood, cuts the odds considerably.

I Never EVER Have To Have A Conversation About Breastfeeding

OK, I know I said before that I feel like kind of an asshole when I sometimes get grossed out by baby talk but breastfeeding discussions are where I draw the line. And moms LOVE to talk about this. Are you going to breastfeed? Are you not going to breastfeed? How often do you pump? WHY is this such a hot topic? There are hundreds of books on the subject, buy one and figure it out but can we please stop there? Having to listen to you talk about the chunks of mucus that showed up in your infants breakfast is enough to make me regurgitate mine.

In the end, none of this is to say that I have anything against kids. In fact I rather enjoy them, it’s just that we so often hear about all of the reasons why why WHY we should be procreating, when in fact there are just as many reasons why we shouldn’t.

Besides, I almost think it would hardly be fair for me to have a kid. I couldn’t imagine loving anything as much as my cat.

  • Lisa

    I used to feel the same way with Colleen. My life was so fantastic, and I couldn’t imagine being stuck the burbs catering to a kid. Gymnastics etc was hell for me to imagine. All I can say, is all the hard work , all the sacrifice, all the LISA has been taken out of the equation, and I’m madly in love. Colleen used to say” its the hardest job in the world, but I wouldn’t change a thing!” I finally understand that saying. I think your choice not to have a kid is a well thought out and smart decision, but if you do, I promise, you will love that kid more than your cat! :) promise! Plus, all the places you ve been and things you’ve done, you get to do it again with your best friend, who has big eyes and looks to you like you’re the coolest thing to ever breathe. It ain’t so bad. Things change… For sure, not all for the best. But it’s so worth it ( for me anyway) Love you! :)

    • Kelly

      I don’t think it would be bad at all. Really, like I mentioned, I’m usually more tormented by the fact that I haven’t had one rather than the prospect that I might. And don’t tell my Kitty, but I love Cairo more, so I believe you.

  • Oma

    Lisa I don’t know you but you are a beautiful Person and you are so right. And Muffin think of me when that Cat of yours scratch’s you!!! But I always will love you, Baby’s or not, since I’m your Grandmother and I’m lucky to have you.

    • Kelly

      I love you too Oma! I’m going to keep those cat pictures coming on the holidays!

  • Lisa

    I love you Kells… And Oma too!

  • Michelle

    Hilarious. Just imagine how much that rental car would have cost you here in Austin with having to rent a carseat too?! LOL

    • Kelly

      I’m happy at least one mother found this funny. Thank you!

    • Jeff

      AH HA HA HA!! Probably would have had to sell the kid to pay for the rental.

  • Doug Moore


    I am a high school friend of your Mom and it is through her FB account that I gain access to your blog….Gabriele is clealy very proud of her daughter and is doing a great job in promoting your work!
    You have real talent Kelly, and finding your path with regard to how to build upon that talent, in all ways possible, will likely be the ride of your life.
    I wish you great success and happiness, and I will look forward to future opportunities to enjoy the witty analysis of your life that you whiimsically share with the rest of us.

    • Kelly

      What an awesome thing to wake up to! At 10;30 in the morning. What an awesome thing to be unemployed as well. Thanks Doug!

  • Lloyd

    Once again, a great blog. (And a beautiful picture) IMHO the best reason for having kids is Grand Kids. So buckle down and give Gab a couple of GK’s and in the future you can have some of your own. Statistics have shown that if your parents didn’t have any kids you will do likewise.

    • Kelly

      Haha! Lloyd, at first I saw your statistic and thought, well I guess the odds are literally against me and then I thought, oh no! Wait a minute, I’m just an idiot. Well I’m pretty glad my mom had kids, that’s for sure. And maybe we can work out a deal for grandkids if she offers to halfsies on all nurturing and piggy-back riding related tasks. Although my dad was always the expert on that particular subject.

      • Jeff

        Math never was your best subject…

  • DQ

    Add to the list: what happens if your kid grows up to be a disappointment/embarrassment/burden on society?? Their mouths say “I LOVE MY KIDS!!” while their eyes say “O-M-G, there the EFF did I go wrong with this one?”, or , “how did something like THAT come out of MY vagina?!” I’ve seen it, and it’s not to be envied.

  • Gabriele

    Being as the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, I knew that “Statistic” comment would throw you…like it always does me. Could never figure out why they would ask questions about two trains that would leave at 2 different locations at X time, that it was up to me to figure out at “what time” they would crash. Not my problem! And I still don’t care where they buried the survivors! Having said all that, I’m sooooo very happy with the babies that I had. However, my eldest is my most high maintenance baby. There is a price to be paid for having a beauuuutiful baby girl! Shall we post her baby pictures next? Ha! Ha! Love you always!

  • allyson turner

    I LOVE this!! Don’t have a kid! Wait till you’re in your 50’s or 60’s, then adopt one who really needs you…By that time, who knows? Maybe you won’t be as prone to hangovers and/or selfishness:)…HA! Kidding…Sort of. Fact of life is, it’s a lot better to know who and how you are and honor that rather than follow the pack because of social pressure, or other stupid reasons. Oh, and I love the breast feeding part – Yeah! Read a book and figure it out:)!…xo