Is this someone who’s comfortable with kids or what? Still love my wardrobe choice.

Whether or not I want to have kids is something I’ve always been unsure of. My pendulum of emotions on the subject swings so drastically that in the span of a month, I can go from being one of those self-righteous assholes who dry heaves any time the subject of babies comes up, to practically scanning the subway for potential sperm donors.

Being in my thirties isn’t helping, especially since I’m not in any position to have a child right now. As the time slips away to potentially mother something, I wonder if my decision not to do it when I had the chance, was the right one.

The way I see it, there are only a couple of good reasons to make a person. In my case, both of them are extremely selfish, but then so are most reasons to have a kid on purpose. On one level, I feel like it would be nice to have one when I’m older. I see how much my parents appreciate me and my brothers and I figure when I’m in my sixties, I’ll want someone to come over to my house and pay attention to me because God knows I’ll probably still be single. In short, the idea of not dying alone is significantly more appealing than the alternative. So there’s that.

Then there’s the fact that I’m super big on experiences. I hate missing out on stuff and isn’t being a parent supposed to be like THE experience in life? Even if I don’t necessarily want to put in all the crazy effort it takes to raise a child, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to chance never getting in on this miracle everyone’s always going on about.

These thoughts have a tendency to scrape at me on a regular basis. I question whether or not in twenty years I’ll look back on today and kick myself for not gracing the world with all kinds of little “me’s” and realize maybe, just maybe, I got it all wrong.

Cut to last Monday morning.

After months of tolerating a work environment that was making me ill, I quit my job. Walked right the fuck out in the middle of my shift. I’ve left many jobs in my life but never like this. Generally I’ve been fired but mostly I’ve given the courtesy of two weeks notice. This situation however, was so bad that I couldn’t stomach one more minute, so I left before lunch.

Later, when reflecting on the nature of my exit, I began dreaming up the kind of dire scenarios it would have taken to make stay. At the top of my list was having kids. If I had kids there’s no way I could have left like I did, with no back up plan, no foreseeable employment in the future. Then, when I pictured the mental state it would have taken to get me through the rest of that day and indefinitely after that, I thought thank God I don’t.

Not having to put up with an awful boss is one great thing about being barren but there are plenty of others. I decided to make a list so that the next time I’m freaking out about my future, I can remind myself how perfectly acceptable the present is. Here are some of my favorites:

All Of The Money I Make Is Mine

That’s right. I get to keep it all! No diapers, no Bjorns of any kind, I’m not picking up cupcakes for the PTA bake sale. Instead I’m best friends with Grubhub and ordering pay per view movies with reckless abandon because it’s my money and I can be as careless with it as I want. Well maybe once I find a new job I can, but you get what I’m saying.

Who Cares About A Hangover?

Have you ever had to be fully responsible for the life of another human being whilst dealing with the aftermath of mixing cheap Chardonnay and pickle-back shots? Oh really? I haven’t. Want to know why? Because I don’t have kids. Hangovers are annoying but totally workable when you don’t have anything to do. In fact, I quite enjoy them so long as it isn’t a warm sunny day out that I feel guilty for not taking advantage of. Now throw a child into the mix. If you’re lucky enough to talk it into staying in the house, instead of that Housewives marathon you’ve got DVR’d, you’re watching episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba until it’s time to play a game. Kids always want to play games.

You Cut Your Chances Of Looking Like An Idiot On Facebook In Half

I would love to say that without a doubt, I wouldn’t turn into the kind of person who was so enthralled with what I’d created that I’d assume everyone I know would be interested in its sleeping habits or when it developed the ability to utilize its neck muscles, but what the hell do I know? People lose their minds when they have children. I know I’ll end up embarrassing myself publicly one way or another, but it seems like abstaining from motherhood, cuts the odds considerably.

I Never EVER Have To Have A Conversation About Breastfeeding

OK, I know I said before that I feel like kind of an asshole when I sometimes get grossed out by baby talk but breastfeeding discussions are where I draw the line. And moms LOVE to talk about this. Are you going to breastfeed? Are you not going to breastfeed? How often do you pump? WHY is this such a hot topic? There are hundreds of books on the subject, buy one and figure it out but can we please stop there? Having to listen to you talk about the chunks of mucus that showed up in your infants breakfast is enough to make me regurgitate mine.

In the end, none of this is to say that I have anything against kids. In fact I rather enjoy them, it’s just that we so often hear about all of the reasons why why WHY we should be procreating, when in fact there are just as many reasons why we shouldn’t.

Besides, I almost think it would hardly be fair for me to have a kid. I couldn’t imagine loving anything as much as my cat.