Can We Give Sexy Back?

PregantPoleDancing

Did I really just see this?

Pre-natal pole dancing classes?

Forgive me. Normally, I couldn’t be less interested in writing about women’s business because the people who do, can’t help but come off as irritating, or irritated rather, like how Jezebel seems to be in a perpetual state of being offended over the way Lena Dunham gets treated but I was just at the gym and nearly fell off the treadmill when I saw an excerpt on TV about heavily pregnant women, dressed like strippers, working a pole. I can’t find a link. You’ll just have to take my word for it.

I don’t understand this need to be sexy at every given moment. It seems that women these days can’t cut themselves a break. Just look at Facebook. I see puckering up and smizing in the most mundane of situations. Can someone please tell me what the fuck this face is?

Face

P.S. I took about twenty of these trying to get one that perfectly conveyed the ridiculousness of the look that I’m talking about but ultimately, I ended up choosing the most flattering photo, so fuck me too. My hair looks awesome BTW.

I see it EVERYWHERE and I’m sorry but it looks retarded. I have friends whose entire Instagram accounts are of them making this face whilst getting drinks, driving a car, picking up their mail, hey it’s a lunch break PHOTOSHOOT! (I love you girls but we’ve had this conversation already, so don’t hate me) I don’t even know what this face is supposed to be. Are they sucking in their cheeks trying to make their skull look thinner?

This is a picture of Rhianna from a couple of days ago.

Rhianna

Like, ewwwww!

“Just walking down the street with a pic of a woman fingering herself on my chest. Wonder where I can get some coffee?”

And now we have pole dancing for pregnant women. I’m not saying that women who are pregnant shouldn’t feel, or aren’t sexy but when there is a nine month old fetus inside of you, maybe that’s a time to experiment with different kinds and not the more obvious form of being awkwardly bent over a metal rod with a nearly full grown baby resting on your ribcage.

Sexy has become the “go-to” state of being for lots of women in everything they do, like they’re almost on a seductive autopilot, even though there are so many other options. We can be funny or weird or how about awkward?. I do awkward really well.

And I struggle with even writing this because at the same time I’m all for women being able to do whatever they want with their bodies, in whatever way they choose. So if a woman feels the need to do a pole dance in the delivery room, then I guess, go for it?

It’s only my opinion that sex has gotten boring. It’s everywhere. Sometimes I just want to avoid it when I’m at the grocery store.

cheesemodel

Or the library.

homework

Or in my grandmother’s bathroom….

grandmothersbathroom

Not my actual grandmother.

I’m over sexy. I want to give it back.

P.S. These funny photos came from here.

  • chip

    do you think they will change out the “expectant mother” parking spots in front of the grocery store in favor of a “whore in training” sign?

    The whole thing is funny. All the stippers I know are anti baby and pro coke. except on tuesdays during lunch in orange county cause then you kind of get to see some cesarian scars.

  • Kelly

    I don’t have a problem with strippers. I used to work the front desk of a strip club so I got nothing but respect for them hard working nekkid ladies, but I do find it weird that a woman would choose pole dancing as a way to make herself feel sexy when she’s three weeks away from popping.

  • http://charter Oma

    o.k. Kelly, I totally agree with you, funny but just yesterday I was going trough my mail and all the accumulated Catalogs,
    and wondered why all the Models had to put on such a big smile! they smile or they look mad like saying “buy this ugly dress
    or I get you!!!
    But Kelly, I was just sitting down with a Dessert and wanted to look at your Bloc; and there was that horrible T Shirt of that
    freaky Girl, well Muffin, you saved me some Calories!!!!!!!

  • Vanna

    I just laughed out loud at the photos while waiting to start my job…as a sexy bartender:) Haha! I am actually surprised you and I at one point or another have not taken a sexy photo in the cheese aisle of our grocery store! I am so disappointed in us! I have to say, the whole pregnancy pole dancing thing is a bit much. I don’t think there is much help to be given to feel sexy while pregnant but I have never been so I cannot judge. I am now heading to your “awkward” link to make fun of you. Meet you over there!

  • http://www.positivelyminutiae.blogspot.com Mallory

    It’s out of control. Rhianna’s t-shirt just makes me sad. And I’m never eating shredded cheese again, just to be on the safe side.

    • Kelly

      I wish I could say the same thing. Unfortunately, she would have to be handling the cheese in a similar fashion to the girl on Rhianna’s t-shirt in order for me to swear it off.

  • Gabriele

    One more question…what’s with the girls taking pictures of themselves with their tongues sticking out. Is that suppose to be sexy? I’ve always hated when guys would do that, the tongue flicking … as if that’s suppose to make me go running over to them, ugh! Or when they grab their crotch and thrust their hips. There is nothing so unsexy as trying to put it out there with an over the top approach. It makes me sad when women have to resort to such obnoxious measures. I like to think we’re better than that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for being sexy, but so often not trying, and just being… sexy, is soooo much sexier. And yes, your hair looks fabulous!

  • http://damiengaleone.com/blog/ Damien

    OK, so first of all it’s a very nice pic of you (and hilarious that you are wearing the same shirt as in the previous post – hehe). Second, I couldn’t agree more with your ideas. I live in Prague, where girls wear shirts with phrases so sexually aggressive that it makes you question whether they can speak English. I.E. – Warning: Gives Great Head – OK, somewhat off-putting on a young woman (or man) but on a 12 year old girl?!

    There is something to be said for having a little class.

    • Kelly

      Damn you and your keen observations! When I took the photo I was like shit I’m wearing that same stupid shirt again but it’s covered up with a sweater and barely visible. No one will notice. I also think it’s funny I did a post about overt sexuality directly after the one time I feature my boobs as the header on the last article. No hypocrisy there. Anyway, at least I wasn’t fingering myself. You know things have gotten bad when not masturbating in public sets the bar.

      • http://damiengaleone.com/blog/ Damien

        Uh oh…then I have to make a few calls…

  • George

    You forgot to put one of those wink/smile things after “front desk”;)

    Next week please take on fat girls in belly shirts. Stop the madness!

    • Kelly

      Hey! You were there! You can vouch that I was not on a pole. I did have other responsibilities of course but mostly with my clothes in tact.

  • http://www.zoeamy.com zoe

    Wow, poignant and funny. You have quite a voice! I’ve just found your blog but I enjoy it. So snarky but totally on the money. I’d go on a feminist rant here but would hate to come across as irritated. Ha, but seriously, yeah, over sexy.

  • http://www.reinventedby.me Samantha

    I think I just peed myself reading this. But rest assured I did it in a sexy way while making the duck face.

  • http://the-dame.com The Dame Intl

    I was a stripper and I trained as a pole dancer (two different things but can be interchanged) and I dont understand how you can pole dance with a pregnant belly, sorry, it would get in the way!

  • Kelly

    I quite like pole dancing. It’s incredible to watch, in the appropriate setting. Not that it’s really my place to determine what’s appropriate and what isn’t, I just feel like in some situations “sexy” becomes “desperate”. PS my first job in NY was in a strip club. I didn’t dance but had much respect for those who did. It didn’t look easy.

  • Mcgyvra

    And along those same lines….why do the costume makers think all women want to dress like a prostitute for Halloween? Is it possible to buy an off-the-rack costume that doesn’t make you look like a slut? Maybe I’m just getting old.