Fan Mail


I realize I may be giving myself slightly more credit than I deserve here, but if ever the Russian government wanted to target me for assassination, all they would have to do is send me food in the mail. Allow me to explain:

About two weeks ago, right before Christmas, I received a mysterious package from an address I was not familiar with. I love it when this happens. Or at least I now know I do, because this was the first time I had ever gotten a mystery gift via the Postal Service. The only times I’ve ever come close, have been parcels from Camel with coupons for discounted cigarettes or a holiday glass from some booze company I’d filled out a survey for, in order to get a free keychain at a local bar. However, to get a package from what was obviously a person and not promotional materials from a corporation, was very exciting and I immediately assumed I had a secret admirer.

Upon ripping the box to shreds, I found this inside:


My secret admirer was from Switzerland! How international!

What happened next is still kind of a blur. After removing the lid, I was met with what appeared to be numerous globs of peanut butter, sitting inside chocolate casings, that were so carefully crafted they could only be homemade. Check them out:


You see that big empty space in the middle there? That’s because before I could take a photo, in fact, before I even knew what was happening, one of them was being furiously chewed and dropped down my gullet* so fast, I’m not even sure I remember eating it. It was just gone. These things could have been laced with ricin for all I know, however the thought that maybe I shouldn’t be ingesting unknown substances, that came from God knows where, never crossed my mind. Any four year-old knows not to take candy from strangers, yet here I am in my mid-thirties, still at risk of death from something I was taught to avoid all throughout elementary school. But hey, there’s a lot of things I’ve done in my adult life that any self-respecting third grader would know to stay away from, so what else is new?

I quickly determined I should attempt to discover the source of such a lovely souvenir. There was no note, just the treats, so I began to rack my brain as to who may have sent them. I do have my fair share of ex boyfriends, surely all of whom are still pining for me on some level. Maybe one of them had done a Google search, found my website and decided to begin courting me again. However if I was being real with myself, I had to count this out. I’m no picnic to date. Most of my relationships have ended with a fair amount of certainty on both ends, so in the interest of finding the chocolate’s true origin, I would have to perhaps, get my head out of my ass.

However, all of a sudden it occurred to me what exactly the confections in the dish were. A long time ago, my friend Beth (who’s from Ohio) would come around every Christmas with these things she made called Buckeyes. They were peanut butter balls dipped in chocolate and then chilled to perfection but not so much they wouldn’t melt in your mouth when you ate sixteen of them in a row. I always loved them but it had been a while since I had seen one, so naturally I hadn’t thought of them right when I opened the box. Briefly I considered that maybe Beth had sent them, but Beth lives in Colorado now and that didn’t match the return address on the package. I had to think a little harder.

THEN I remembered a comment left by a reader of mine on a post I did about the Minnesota State Fair back in September. After a brief exchange regarding the difference in food at the Ohio State Fair, the reader and I got on the subject of the Ohio State Buckeyes (a college football team), which led to talk of the chocolate buckeyes and then this happened:

Buckeyes are a big favorite around here all right. We always make a huge batch for friends and family at Christmas time. Send me your mailing address and I’ll hook you up! – Lloyd

That’s when it dawned on me. This was even better than a secret admirer. An avid reader of The Rheel Daze was so taken with my literary stylings, that he had gone to the trouble of preparing some of his home town’s traditional treasures and then sent them off to me as part of a season’s greeting. This was huge. I had reached a new milestone in my blogging career. I had received fan mail!

I suppose, in the interest of full disclosure, I should probably mention that although we’ve never met, Lloyd has been a friend of my mother’s since college. On the one hand, this should speak in my favor in the sense that I’m not willing to send my mailing address to just any psychopath off the internet who asks for it, even when there’s sugar involved. Yet, on the other hand, I’m not quite sure I can call him a “fan” per say, being that my mother gets the German all up in her when it comes to promoting this website. She’s pretty militant about it, with most of her friends contractually obliged to check in at least once every few days. Naturally, none of this is going to stop me from now setting up a P.O. Box for all further fan fare that anyone who reads my blog, may wish to send me in the future. And if for any reason, any of you want to murder me, you now know all you need to do is send something that’s obviously delicious.

On a more serious note though, I just want to thank Lloyd for making my Christmas! And my mother’s. I’m not even joking, you should have heard the seriousness in her voice when she asked if I would be bringing the Buckeyes home with me for the holidays. Guess the apple, or the food fanaticism, doesn’t fall far from the tree where we’re concerned.

Cheers, Lloyd!

*I’m six hundred years old.

  • Awesomely Over-Zealous

    LOL! Omg you are such an easy target – You really shouldn’t do that in the future haha at least this time it was an innocent Lloyd and thankfully, they were probably uber delicious. We need you around young lady so let’s be more cautious next time. 😛 Those do look delish though!! Happy Monday (not really I’m so damn tired this blows) -Iva

    • RheelDaze

      Yeah, this is the first Monday where we can non longer use the holidays as an excuse to not do anything. Yet, I still feel them lingering. Gotta get back to work sometime! Don’t have to be happy about it though.

  • Lloyd Man

    You’re very welcome, my dear. However, I did meet you when you were eleven years old. Try pulling that from your memory bank!! :-)

    • RheelDaze

      I asked my mother if we had ever met specifically so I wouldn’t look like an idiot when I wrote that and she said no! Now I wish I could go back in time and yank the buckeye right out of her hand.

  • Erika

    Hahahaha… I love how you were like, “Whatever… time to eat!” Oh, I am way too paranoid for that. I probably would have thrown them away in a dumpster far away from where I lived while wearing a ski mask, only to be sad I missed out later on when someone asked, “Did you get my package?”

    • RheelDaze

      I would happily dig through the dumpster to retrieve what would then be garbage that’s possibly laced with poison because, hey, it’s still chocolate.

      • Erika

        And that’s why you’re awesome! Hahahaha

  • Shannon

    I would have totally eaten it! Also, re: giving your address to random people. Once, I was in a bar talking to someone and he wanted my number but I’d recently started dating someone so I was like “I can’t give you my number, but here’s my address instead”….because that makes sense. He ended up just writing me a love letter in the mail and not murdering me so it worked out! Definitely taken your blog to the next level if your receiving treats in the mail though.

    • RheelDaze

      Haha! You gave him your address?! That’s pretty funny. I love that he wrote you a real live letter. I’m assuming nothing ever came of it though? I would probably give an email address before a home address but I once did a post on this blog where I accidentally shared my full address and credit card info because I included a receipt I had gotten from a rental car company whilst bitching about the rental car company. It took my cousin pointing it out to me for me to realize and rush to take it down. Sigh.

      • Shannon

        Yeah, it was actually pretty sweet! He invited me to dinner that Friday. I received the letter on Wednesday though, and he didn’t include a phone number so I guess he thought I would priority mail my answer back or just show up at the restaurant? Pretty ballsy. I had that pesky boyfriend to think of though, so I didn’t follow through on it!

  • http://thefearlessscribe.blogs

    When the husband and I first moved into our house years ago, we received a Swiss Colony cheesecake sampling for Christmas that was meant for the previous homeowners. PS- It was delicious!

  • Auntie Nice

    As Jeff said that one christmas…we Rheels eat first and ask questions later. I love you guys.

    • El Jefe

      I stand by that statement. Food = eat…why ask questions.