How Do I Get My Neighbors To Stop Having So Much Sex?

MyNeighborsAreHavingTooMuchSex

Soooo, a number of months ago, I started to notice a pattern developing in the space directly above my living room. A couple of nights a week, around seven P.M., a slow rumbling would begin to take place. It was nothing spectacular initially and for the first thirty minutes or so, I mostly ignored it. However it lasted a long time. Over the span of an hour or more it would intensify and subside until ultimately it progressed into a chaos which transformed my apartment into a scene similar to the one in Independence Day where Bill Pullman’s plane is trying to escape Washington D.C. The walls would shake, my lights  flickered and I wasn’t positive that a giant fireball wouldn’t be closing in on me from outside of my windows.

At first, because I’m an idiot, I legitimately thought it was kids jumping on a trampoline, because who in a cramped New York City apartment doesn’t keep a trampoline in their sitting room? Then I thought maybe it’s just someone exercising? However, a particularly enthusiastic romp over a recent weekend proved to me that the ruckus in the upstairs abode definitely wasn’t step aerobics. Once I deciphered what seemed to be a muffled dialogue, it became clear just exactly what was going on here.

You should have seen my face. I looked like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone. I was shocked but somewhat giddy. It’s not like I’d never heard people having sex before but this was such an insane commotion, I had to know more. I immediately muted my television and sat as still as possible, my mouth gaping as I strained to make sense of all the noises. I even went so far as to open my windows to see if I could hear more but quickly shut them when the car alarms outside began to drown out the clamoring overhead.

For rest of that afternoon, I was totally like a pervy teenager catching her friends in the act at a party, giggling to myself and then sinking back into the couch, a cheeky smirk on my face, now that I had “found them out”. It was all kind of cute.

However currently, it’s four weeks later and I am LOSING MY MIND.

It’s gone from a couple of times a week to practically every night and all day on Sundays. It might be all day on Saturdays too but I don’t know because unlike my neighbors, who apparently live off each other’s insatiable love for one another, I have a job.

I have no idea how to handle this. It’s not like they’re playing the guitar too loud and I can ask them to keep it down, they’re having sex on top of me six days a week and it’s totally awkward.

I’ve considered writing an anonymous letter but I’m afraid I’ll get caught. A mysterious note could only be coming from one of four tenants realistically. Plus, I confessed to the guy across the hall from me not so long ago that I was having this issue and now I’m afraid he’ll rat me out.

“Oh you mean that dude and his boyfriend?” he asked me.

YES! That made so much more sense. No straight couple would have sex this often.

Then I contemplated actually being an adult about it and knocking on their door, until I remembered there is no way in hell I would ever do that, so I had to think of something else. Maybe I could get those noise canceling headphones? But it isn’t just the noise that’s the problem. My apartment tremors so violently it feels like I’m living inside a popcorn maker.

Not to mention, I kind of feel like who am I to tell these people what kind of sex they should be having and how often? What would the real solution be? For them to limit their affairs to three nights a week and maybe not go at each other with such ferocity? It’s not exactly a situation where I can just ask them to put rugs down and carry on.

I can’t keep living like this though. I’m generally pretty tolerant when it comes to building disturbances. I’ve always been of the opinion that residing in an urban area is going to be noisy so I don’t get upset about horns honking incessantly or late night parties but as I write this I am literally entering my fourth hour of sparsely interrupted pounding on my ceiling and I can’t concentrate anymore! It’s just obnoxious now. These two have so much sex it’s almost as if they’re mocking me.

At the end of the day, I suppose I could just get out of the house more or try spending some time in my kitchen, like actually cooking something, but I fear that what once started as a funny story I could tell my friends will end up as a front page headline on the NY Post that reads Woman Tired Of Living In Flight Simulator Murders Unusually Happy Couple Living Upstairs. 

For now I’m going try a zen approach and practice all of the breathing techniques I’ve learned in yoga and pray that at the very least these two don’t come crashing through my ceiling (do I have to say the pun thing here?) But honestly, what is one supposed to do in a situation like this?

I need to know before I end up having to file for renter’s insurance.

 

 

  • http://www.accordingtojulie.wordpress.com Julie

    … or you could blog about it and wait for your neighbors to read about themselves and take the hint…

    • Kelly

      Ha! Right on. Maybe I’ll just slip a business card into their mailbox.

  • Martha

    Pretend that you haven’t yet realized that they are actually having sex and write them a note asking them to quiet down from that perspective; “Hey peoples, In the last few weeks, I haven’t been able to sleep well because you seem to be playing your video games or vacuuming at odd hours. Could you keep those activities mindful of the person living below you? THANKS!”
    Play the “ignorance is bliss” card. They will think it really funny that you “don’t know”….

    • Kelly

      That is a fantastic idea! I’m going to do that.

  • George

    I would bye a big bottle of KY and put it in front of their door with the following note: I could not possibly imagine what is feels like to get rammed in the ass six days a week for hours on end. But the noises and sounds constantly coming from your apartment are becoming unbearable. I hope this gift might assist in keep the noise level down.

    • Gabriele

      George…all I can say to that comment is…Aha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Love that response!

  • http://www.chimerikal.com Erika

    You could always get a broomstick and bang on the ceiling when it gets too out of control? Slip a little note that says “I can hear everything you do” under their door? Haha, oh dear… this is a really awkward problem to have!

  • Vanna

    Haha, you’re just screwed! Get some sleeping pills or sleep when they do. I think those are your only options!

  • Sue

    I had the same problem… but to a different extreme. It turned out that there was an Asian brothel being run out of the apartment upstairs, so there were constantly people having sex in every part of the apartment. The floor was paper thin so I could hear EVERYTHING including the footsteps to the shower after each session. Eventually I became THAT person who bangs on the ceiling with a broomstick when they would wake me up in the middle of the night. They never stopped though, so I knew I had to do something (aside from calling the cops LOL). I looked into it, and in our lease (and I think this is pretty standard for NYC leases) there was a clause requiring that at least 70% of all floor surfaces be covered with rugs/carpeting. I wrote an anonymous note spelling the whole situation out to them and politely asking them to get a rug or something that would muffle the noise. Basically that I don’t want to have to report them to the landlord, but if they keep me up all night every night I’ll have to. I never heard any noise up there again. Check your lease and maybe make a polite suggestion in a note that some carpeting might give them more privacy.

    • Kelly

      I love that your method of dealing with a brothel being run in the apartment upstairs from you was to ask them to put rugs down. That is hilarious. And I love that they did! If only we could all live in such harmony. Next thing you know we’ll be loaning decks of cards to the gambling ring across the hall and rating our weed dealers on Yelp.

  • http://www.velvetlists.blogspot.com Velvet Barentine

    HAHAHHA The pervy teenager part! LOL that is so great! We’re all guilty of that at one time living in apartments. But I hear you, and I have to agree that the idea of sending them a note might seem terrible, but its truly unavoidable here. No one wants the cops or the landlord to come knocking on the door in the middle of ‘business’, but that is what happens when you don’t heed the ‘anonymous note’. You will be doing them a solid. Not as good as they apparently do to each other, but a solid nonetheless. Best of luck on this- that shit used to drive me crazy!

  • Jessica

    Hey , Sue the Asian Brothel lady. Call the Cops! You are not being a good neighbor, you are turning a bling eye. For all we know they are holding girls like Amanda Berry hostage and while you are being a “polite person” other not so polite people are braking the law above your head and hurting people. Seems like the best thing to do is grow some ovaries and check that shit out. You’re not going to be able to play dumb when they slip up and someone else finds out and asks you why as a neighbor you didn’t do something sooner. Plus, GROSS!

  • http://Positivelyminutiae.blogspot.com Mallory

    Well, you’re certainly in an awkward position, but not so much compared to the positions possibly being taken upstairs. I say enjoy the creepy weirdness for awhile. They have to get tired sometime-no one can carry on like that forever, right? You make me laugh. Thank you! And good luck.

  • http://damiengaleone.com/blog/ Damien

    I was aroused until paragraph 9, and then I felt guilty about being aroused until paragraph 9.

    I say get even in a very pleasant way. Invite your boyfriend, girlfriend, or favorite mechanic over for a couple day’s worth of a-taste-of-their-own-medicine and Be. Loud. Loud. Loud loud. Like, LOUD. Loud like Miles Davis being sawed in half whist playing his saxophone. Loud like a thrash metal concerto at a fireworks display.

    And if that doesn’t work, invite them over for coffee and make a bit of a joke out of it. They should get a good laugh as long as you’re not unpleasant or aggressive.

    • Kelly

      Yeah, I think paragraph 9 threw everyone which I have to admit, I was kind of giggling to myself about when I wrote it. Your suggestion might be helpful if I weren’t already terrified of even admitting I’d ever had sex. Sometimes, I swear I act like I’m above it. I despise public displays of affection. I would shrink away from my ex-boyfriend anytime he would try to hold my hand. Just the thought of anyone listening to me have sex is enough to make me never want to leave my apartment again for fear that they read my filthy ideas all over my face. And I’m afraid to invite them for coffee lest one enters the other in the split second that I turn to pet my cat. I’m still brainstorming.

  • Leon Jones

    My neighbor is constantly having sex. Night and day. I am serious! They have gone out of their way to even calling my name. They used to actually knock on my wall but that stopped once I called the police. I told the landlord but she told him that I was the problem. Now the landlord acts like I am the problem. Now they’ve even pushed their bed closer to my wall to disturb me. I know this sounds crazy but its true. They even have a couple of people who come over and join them. I’m planning on moving soon. I get a pension and am currently saving money. Crazy!

    • Kelly

      That is one of the craziest things I have ever heard. Touché Leon.

  • Kat

    “No straight couple would have sex this often.”

    Please, please tell me this was intended as (really badly done) sarcasm. :(

  • Kelly

    You know, one of the weird things about having a blog is seeing the level of inconsequential minutia to which people will bother to be offended by. I’ve written a lot of things here, many of which I would agree, might be offensive to people but never NEVER in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that suggesting gay male couples might have more sex than heterosexual couples, would be one of those things. Jesus, you learn something new every day. So Kat, if you and your boyfriend/husband are fucking from morning until night, on your lunch breaks, in the car on the way to PTA meetings, at dinner parties, whilst making dinner, hell, you’re probably fucking as you read this right here, then what can I say? You got me! For someone who fucks so much, I’m surprised you’re this uptight.

    And PS if you’re NOT fucking as you read this, then you’ve got nothing on my neighbors as it is 7:29 on Sunday morning and I SWEAR to you, they are up and at it. Gonna be a long day.

  • sunshyneladi36

    This post has brought me to tears (lmao) My Sister is currently in the same situation she has a new upstairs neighbor who is young and very arrogant he mocks her In my opinion she reported him to the landlord which only made it worse now not only was he knocking the dirt from the ceiling in the evening he now makes use of his lunch break lol everynight around 3:30 am I get a call from my distraught sister saying he has her bed down stairs gyrating and to top it off she has to be at work at 4:30am I feel your pain because I turn on the news every morning praying that I want see my sisters mug shot with the heading woman driven to murder neighbors for Having Insane sex!!!