I Bought A Scanner So I Could Scan Things


Two things are happening right now. One, I’m on vacation and didn’t feel like writing a proper post right before I left and two, I bought a scanner so I could scan things and it’s been sitting in the closet next to my laundry bag for over a month. As I was packing for my trip to Florida and thinking What am I going to put on the site for Friday? it occurred to me that perhaps I could finally bust out my fancy new office equipment and save myself the time of having to actually write something, by scanning some funny stuff I’ve had laying around my apartment for fifteen years.

Bad idea.

I could have written an encyclopedia in the time it took me to set this thing up. In fact, the printer part of it still isn’t working quite right and as far as the fax goes, I’d be better off using the Pony Express to deliver a message because I couldn’t effectively connect the modem (?) to the phone. I did however, manage in a very roundabout way to scan some things onto the memory card from my camera and get them in my computer about six seconds before my flight took off the following morning so here I am in Florida, relaying the whole experience to you via my nephew’s bunk bed.

At any rate, here are some funny things I’ve had laying around the apartment for fifteen years:

This comes from when I first discovered Craigslist about nine years ago. I would sit at my awful desk job all day and read the Rants and Raves section and couldn’t BELIEVE the crazy stuff people would write on there until I realized they were all doing it anonymously. One day I found this ad in the “free stuff” section. I know lots of similar things have been posted on the site since, but at the time I had never seen a mock advertisement and thought (and still do perhaps) that it was for real. Also, I still think it’s one of the funniest one’s I’ve seen.



I never called because I’m not good with fish. The only time I ever owned any I kept two of them in separate bowls side by side. One day when I was at work, one of them jumped into the other’s bowl (they were fighter fish) and ate him. He then committed fish suicide by jumping out of the bowl and onto my kitchen counter. I’m not joking. So I figured this guy’s fish would be better off in the upside down glass.

This next one comes from my mom’s house about seven years ago when we were going through some old boxes that held school assignments and artwork from when my brother and I were kids. I laughed out loud when I saw this poem. It’s just so typically Jeff. It sums up perfectly, what has always been, my brother’s candid and dry wit.


I couldn’t agree more.

And finally, this next item comes from my old friend Greg Smith who has since gone on to form a successful cover band called The Amish Outlaws. He’s always been very funny and creative though, as evidenced by the short story he wrote which chronicles the time I hung out with Busta Rhymes.

Allow me to explain.

When I first moved to NYC at the tender age of 18, I worked the reception area of nightclub which was right next-door to Mr. Rhymes’ recording studio. The guys who worked the door at our place always saw him coming and going and I would beg them to ask Busta (as I came to know him) to come in and say hello. Finally he did. He was the first celebrity I had ever met. It was so exciting! A few weeks later as I was standing outside at the end of my shift with a couple of the other girls who worked there, he pulled up and invited us to hang out for a while. I think I was in the studio for a total of eight minutes but the way I made it out to my friends, you’d have thought I had just been inducted into the Zulu Nation. At any rate, my friend Greg put his version of my experience on paper.


I still think this is one of the most comprehensive works written on what it’s like to be in the rap game to date. Nicely done Greg.

In other news, my scanner sucks. I was all excited about having nice, fresh images from my past to put on my site and you can barely make out the lines from the notebook paper.

Enjoy the weekend!

  • Anne Fawcett

    OMG YES! Scanners are fiddly but I do love the fish ad. I think the non-fresh image style works – it lends an authenticity, much like the way we used to crumple paper and stain it with tea bags whe we made pirate maps as kids.

    On another note, my friend’s cat sat on his scanner, scanned her bottom and then saved it onto his desktop. Gives a whole new meaning to the term cat scan http://www.smallanimaltalk.com/2013/05/cat-scan.html

    • RheelDaze

      That’s funny that you say that because one of the other things I was thinking of scanning came from a friend of mine from Australia who sent me a story on paper just like you described. AND when I couldn’t figure out what to use as the top photo my friend Lisa said “You should just scan your butt.” Great minds, I tell you.

  • Awesomely Over-Zealous

    LoL I have to say that fish one nearly brought me to humor tears. The crap you can find on Craigslist should start having mini website highlights and put shit like this up. Holy crap is that a desktop hiding behind your scanner? Lol I forget people used to have those monsters!!! Have fun in FL – I hear the weather is nice (ive experienced the glory myself) ALL YEAR ROUND (hating) -Iva

    • RheelDaze

      This actually isn’t even my house. I forgot to take a picture of the printer before I left my house so my friend Lisa let me throw hers in the closet so we had a visual. God forbid I didn’t have a picture to accompany the thought.

  • http://voyageofthemeemee.blogspot.com/ Amanda MeeMee

    Bahahahahah… this is awesome. The Craigslist one is the best. The stuff you find on there…

  • http://www.adashofquirky.com/ Anna Sinclair

    “come get this dickhead out of our lives” hahahahah

  • Gabriele

    The closest I got to knowing a true rapper was getting to know Biggie Small’s cousin. The guy had posters of Biggie small all over his small apartment, and a closet stacked with sneakers of all colors and styles. He was a character. I was his nurse, and he told me his girlfriend was jealous of me and they would fight about me. Actually…as absurd as the idea was that the girlfriend should be jealous of me since I was significantly older than him…I found I was flattered that he even told me about the fights. As we get older, we grasp at straws looking for compliments. Ha! Ha! I loved Jeffrey’s poem. He showed such promise.

  • http://www.thewineglassmanifesto.blogspot.com/ Alisha KP

    I loved your fish story.

    In other fish-related news, my cousin bought her two boys three fish for Christmas. Their names are Bert and Ernie (not their real names), so the fish were called Bert, Ernie, and Back Up. Within a week Bert and Ernie had died and little Back Up was swimming around the tank by himself. I reckon he was so bitter about being the back-up fish that he killed them, but that’s just my theory.

    • RheelDaze

      Back Up? That is hilarious! I guess we know who had the last laugh huh?

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