Is there anywhere more exciting to be than the airport? Not like picking up or dropping off a friend, that sucks, but when you’re about to head off on an adventure, it’s the first stop on your trip, where you can experience all the crazy shit that the world has to offer. Including yourself.

You Can Be A Totally Different Person

I lie to everyone I meet at the airport. Why not? I’m never going to see them again and I don’t want to be my boring, regular self. Yesterday when I was at JKF, the bartender inquired about my trip to Berlin. I told him I was going to visit the homeland of my family. When he asked if I was born there, I said yes.

I wasn’t born in Germany, but how the hell does he know that? However, for whatever reason, I thought saying I was made me seem more interesting. Then he asked me how to say “Where do all of the cute girls hang out?” in German. Since I didn’t know how to say that, I used the little bit of the language I know and gave him directions to the nearest subway. But he didn’t know the the difference.

Drinking Is More Fun

If you’re with a group of people, one of the first places you start having fun is at the airport bar. This is quite possibly the most exciting part of your holiday. No one hates each other yet and you have no idea how disappointed you will ultimately be with this excursion you’ve been looking forward to for months. It’s not only acceptable to get hammered at the airport, it’s expected. And you can do it at any time of the day. Where else can you down a bottle of Chardonnay at seven o’clock in the morning and not be a total alchie.

Everyone In The World Is There

Looking at the arrival/departure boards is fun for me because I feel like I’m part of the international community. I could be going anywhere! Even though I’m most likely headed for Tampa.

If You’re Traveling To Another Country There’s Weird Shit Everywhere

What the hell are these?!

Seriously, I see the strangest food stuffs when I’m overseas, or at the Greek market across the street from my apartment in Queens for that matter, but when you’re away, you’re almost obligated to buy this nonsense because you have to go home and show all of your friends the insanity that’s going on in other places of the world.

However, no matter where you go, Tobeloerone is always in healthy supply. What’s up with that?

No One Will Blink Twice At Your Drug Habit

Nowhere else is it perfectly acceptable to board a means of transportation with a virtual pharmacy on your person, than at the airport. People were throwing drugs at me before I got on the plane like I was going to Burning Man for the week. I got a bunch of Percosets from a friend who had just had surgery and wasn’t keen on how they affected her stomach, and Xanex galore from a friend with a stress disorder. All I have to do is throw them in this little prescription container with my name on it and I have everything I need to induce the kind of coma I require to fly over an ocean.

Finally, there’s the flight itself. As much as I like being at the airport, I hate flying. I’m not in the least bit religious, yet I cross myself before getting on any type of aircraft. The one thing that makes up for the awful, terror inducing ordeal, that is being trapped in a tin cabin and placing my very life in the hands of a perfect stranger is:

Airline Food Is The Best!

Yes it is! I know not everyone shares my enthusiasm for in-flight fare, but allow me to present my case:

#1. It’s adorable. Everything comes in these tiny pre-packaged units that are completely efficient and fun to open. For someone who ate nothing but Hot Pockets for seven years straight, but won’t allow herself to anymore, this is like my own private Xanadu.

#2 You never know what you’re going to get. From the meal, to the appetizer, to the little compact dessert, it’s all a surprise. And I love surprises.

#3 It’s delicious. Really, your standards are too high.

So next time you’re on line at the security check, bitching about how slow everything is moving and how having to take off your shoes off is a direct violation of your rights as an American, just think about all of the wonders that await you on the other side. And I’m not talking about your final destination, I’m giving a shout out to the invigorating, mysterious and seedy place that is, the airport.