I Think I Has A Cattitude

Cattitude

I like cats. Well, I like A cat. My cat. He moved in with me fourteen years ago after walking in through my living room window one night like he owned the place. He still doesn’t have a name. He never told me and I never asked, so I’ve always just called him kitty or the cat but now we’re like best friends and that should be the end of it. Although, it’s not.

Somewhere along the line, my love for my cat has led to all of my friends and family inundating me with cat materials every chance they get, much like how my Oma has nearly a hundred ceramic, porcelain or carved wooden elephants in her house because one time, ten years ago, she said she liked elephants.

I suppose I have to take some responsibility for the piles of cat artifacts that I am perpetually buried under seeing as I can’t get through one Slackers post without at least mentioning cats and also I did send out this picture of my cat with all of my holiday cards last year but that was mostly just to be obnoxious.

The-Kitty

However, the degree to which my peers think I am a cat person, is at this point, highly exaggerated. I swear if it were up to my friends Lorraine and Saime, they would have me living in some kind of back mountain cat commune where  I sat around knitting cat sweaters all day and doing cat theater at night. Sweet Jesus, that sounds delightful.

It all started with my mother when the cat and I first became roommates. At Christmas, I started getting stuff like this:

RhinestoneKitty

It was cute, you know in a funny way, like “Oh. I have a cat now. I get it.” but it only grew from there. Every holiday after that was peppered with cat swag. Books, knick knacks, mugs, picture frames. It didn’t stop.

Once my friends caught on, which may or may not have had something to do with me bringing in photos of my cat to hang at the reception desk of my office, I was besieged by a whole new kind of cat fury. (I really REALLY wanted to say furry there) Just look at my Facebook page! These are only a few of the most recent postings I’ve received from friends over the past couple of months:

ChipmunkCat

FunnyCat

CuteKittens

FunnierCat

KnitCat

FranticCatLike, holy cat shit. It’s completely out of hand!

I get notifications about cat shows, directions to cat towns, links to cat blogs, articles about cat cafes. I mean thank God it wasn’t an aardvark that crawled through my window that night. (Cue friends with the aardvark photos)

Last week however, things took a whole new turn. I was coming home from work when I checked my mail. There was a letter from my Aunt Nicole. How exciting! No one ever sends letters anymore. What could this be? I opened it up and this is what I found inside:

AcroCats

Is that a cat juggling?? I need to book a flight immediately.

 I am now getting cat effects via the postal service. About cat circuses.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate my friends and family thinking of me every time a feline crosses their path, it’s just that I’m becoming slightly concerned about what I’m turning into. It used to be a joke that eventually I would live in a creepy old house on a hill with my sixty-seven cats but now it’s starting to seem like it might actually happen. As much as I laugh about it, I don’t want to be a crazy old cat lady! I want a loft on the upper west side with mirrored walls, a sunken living room and eighties furniture!

And like, maybe one cat.

In the interim though, I think it’s best I avoid all exposure, lest my fears of subscribing to Cat Fancy magazine and dressing like a kitten for Halloween, come to fruition. Starting today I am initiating an embargo on all cat related posts, photos, products, what have you. This cat crap, is effectively shut down. As of right now, I will be packing my bags and moving to an obscure town, under an assumed name…

and getting a dog.

P.S. Rochelle, I was just kidding. Please don’t ever stop sending me pictures of cats. Meow!

  • Gabriele

    You must at least admit, you look good in that shirt! Did I really give you that? What was I thinking!

    • Kelly

      That’s actually not me. I grabbed that photo off a cat apparel website. You did however give me something quite similar. It was a black t-shirt with a bedazzled outline of a cat on it thus beginning my foray into cat mania.

  • Rochelle Migliore

    This is so funny!! It reminds me of when I was out with my niece and I was shopping for a new welcome mat. There were a bunch of really pretty ones, but she thought I’d like the dorky dog mat :-/ Or how every time my mom calls my dog her “grandoggy” I feel like she’s just given up on the idea of me having my own actual human babies. But, crazy dog lady just doesn’t have the same ring to it as crazy cat lady. Plus the internet has done some really weird things with cats, like making them like cheeseburgers (huh??), and attributing awful spelling and grammar to them, and making them use baby talk…there’s a lot of funny stuff out there.

    And tell me when you get that dog, I’m ready when you do 😀

    • Kelly

      My grandmother is in the process if knitting me a baby blanket right now. Notice by the way that I don’t have any babies. She remains optimistic though. However she did say to me “So help me God if you give this blanket to your cat I will kill you!” So yeah. I feel you.

  • Auntie Nic

    Don’t act like you wouldn’t have been there in a heartbeat had you been given some notice in advance. No one’s buying it. And I got you those subscriptions to Cat Fancy, remember? You could stand to be a little more appreciative. Thank goodness a cat crawled in your window and not a 3-toed sloth or a manatee. You can hardly find any magazines about them. Or circuses.

    • Kelly

      Why are you selling me out like that?! Jesus! So much for blood being thicker than water. On second thought, I don’t even know what the hell that means. Of course I would have been there! It’s a cat CIRCUS for Christ’s sake! There’s nowhere else on Earth I’d rather be. I’m still reeling from missing a cat tight rope and too many clown cats stuffed into a little cat car and God help me if someone tells me there was a cat trapeze I just don’t know what I’ll do. At least if you’re gonna be all blowing up my spot, you could give me a heads up the next time the cat Wringling Brothers is in town and not just send me the ad for it when it is obviously too late!

      • Auntie Nic

        Fair enough.

  • Michelle

    Other then saying once again I found your post hilarious (probably especially because I f#$kin hate cats…Oma..you like how I wrote that?) I had to post to give a shout out to my beautiful Aunt Gabriele! How are you?!

  • Vanna

    Aww da kiihhhttiieee. Embrace it girl, once you join the club it’s hard to claw your way out, haha get it! Ughh these puns come too easily when writing about being a crazy cat lady, I have two. There is not much else to say on the subject….. except wearing clothing with cats takes it to a level we should strive to stay away from(no offense Gabby)!

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  • http://damiengaleone.com/blog/ Damien

    Yeah, after my 8th cat-themed blog post my friends finally intervened and forced me to realize that I had a problem. There had been hints: I thought about bringing the cat to my local bar one night, I haven’t seen a live girl naked in 4 months, I talk to the cat in Czech and sometimes get irritated because she doesn’t respond.

    Anyway, you are not alone. You are sick, depraved and pathetic, but you are not alone. Want to put on a kitty sweater knitting session?

    • Kelly

      When I come home from work I often get into conversations with the cat that end in me telling him I’m annoyed that he didn’t do the dishes even though he promised to. Happy to know that I am not alone.

  • http://damiengaleone.com/blog/ Damien

    Oh yeah, and I once had to explain to coworkers that the slice in my lip was from my cat. That was awesome.

  • Patty Montone

    Loved this blog, but guess what? Everything you wrote about is me…..Try having seven cats at one time and see how you can go crazy. Ask Mom, my house is all cat memorabilia and I still wear t-shirts like that , but only if the cat is purple. I am finally up to my 2008 Cat Fancy magazines and can’t cancel my subscription or toss the unread ones. I have some cute cat earrings, are you interested??????

    • Kelly

      Hey Patty! Yes! If I remember correctly, I could have just sent this over as a pitch and had you write the whole thing for me. Speaking of cat t-shirts, stay tuned for the one I just recently received for my birthday. Good to hear from you!

  • http://www.minutepast10.com Jen

    I can’t stop staring at the juggling cat.