…that you won’t lose your job and your apartment this month. It’ll be a Christmas miracle!

There’s a reason this post is coming to you at the end of the week instead of my normally scheduled Monday or Tuesday delivery and that reason is because I’ve lost all control over my life due to the absolute insanity that is the holiday season. Now before I continue, I just want to be clear, this is not one of those deals where I gripe about what a bitch the period between Thanksgiving and New Year’s is. I’m no Grinch. In fact, I quite like the holidays. It’s just that this is what I look like around 93 percent of the time that I’m awake during them:

I use the term “awake” loosely as I don’t actually remember this picture being taken, yet thanks to Instagram and one particularly cheeky friend of mine, the grace and sophistication with which I carry myself during this most festive of times is plainly obvious and available for all to see. But hey, can you blame me?

Everywhere you go, there’s a party. You walk through midtown on a Tuesday and the bars are packed with people celebrating this and “cheers”ing to that. It’s hard not to get caught up in the spirit of it all. On one occasion after another you tell yourself, “Ah, it’s the holidays! What’s one more night out?” until you begin to realize that things like laundry aren’t getting done anymore and you’re kind of living in squalor due to the pile up of trash from late night food deliveries. Then, just when you say “I cannot go out drinking one more night!” there’s a text or an email beckoning you to find an ugly sweater and bring an ornament as your entry fee to a soiree down the street. So you decide “OK, but just ONE drink!” and that’s when you run into this bullshit:

Holiday themed rice crispy treats with a load of weed baked into them.

I didn’t eat any.

Just sayin’.

Then, beyond the partying, you have all these extra responsibilities like buying a Christmas tree or lighting a menorah, which can take all night, and you have to write holiday cards and shop for presents. It’s a lot to commit to when you’re only sober for about six minutes a day and you still have to do things like pay your rent.

Even when you do go to work, there’s cookies everywhere and it’s not like you’re going to the gym after downing a tin of shortbreads. Not to mention there is a serious case of senioritis going around with the approaching New Year. I can’t count how many times a day I think of something I should be devoting more attention to and then blow it off because “I’ll focus on in the New Year!”

When I take all of this into consideration I have to wonder,  is it just me that’s finding it impossible to keep up with my daily duties or are there people out there who are actually accomplishing more than back to back hangovers in December? Because currently I’m supposed to be finishing up a copywriting assignment that’s due on Friday, yet because of last night’s shenanigans, I’m finding myself couch deep in a Home Alone marathon on TBS. Did you know they made four of these movies? I’m guessing the reason Kevin was alone in the last one is because child protective services finally came and arrested his ridiculously irresponsible parents.

But ANYWAY. This is why I’m proposing we write off December entirely. For one month a year, no one has to go to work, thus alleviating the stress of not having gotten any done. Gyms have to close, giving people an iron clad excuse not to go. And everyone can eat and drink all day long without feeling guilty about never finishing anything on time.

It’ll basically be like living in France.

So you’ll have to pardon me until the third of January or so as I’ll most likely be phoning it in, at least when it comes to this website. There may be a few more repeat articles from last year or links to me elfing myself fifteen different ways ( I couldn’t find the one with me and the cat) but as far as December goes, I’m done.

If you need me, you can find me enjoying all of the wonders the holiday season has to offer like hot buttered rum and grilled cheeses at midnight. I hope you will too, that way none of us looks like a dick when our deadlines aren’t met and Con Ed wants the electric bill. I’ll get you started. Here’s a clip from the Cash Money and the Sellouts Christmas show I went to last night at the Whiskey Annex. That’s Jeff White singing an extended version of Jimmy Fallon’s Christmas cover of the Lumineers Ho Hey.

P.S. this is a shitty recording so let me assure you that he is NOT in blackface. He’s in greenface. As the Grinch. Enjoy!