So this is it? Friday is the big day. We’re all going down, right? According to a bunch of dudes who wrote a calendar thousands of years ago, that’s exactly what’s going to happen. It’s the end of days, which sounds like it could suck, but I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve decided, maybe it won’t be so bad.
The one thing that has always bothered me about dying, is that the party still goes on but I’m no longer a part of it. I think about all of the things I’m going to miss out on. In fact any time a celebrity dies and then something big happens a couple of days later, even if it’s bad, I always think “Oh they missed knowing that.” It’s like I have to be privy to every little detail, about everything, at every moment. It’s exhausting. If we all go out on Friday, I kind of don’t mind, because I’ll be sure that nothing cool is going to happen on Saturday, that I won’t get to be a part of.
Naturally there are some stipulations here. I’m not really excited about the thought of dying in a zombie apocalypse or a nuclear winter, however if starvation became an issue, I’d finally get down to a hundred and forty pounds which would be kind of awesome, but then I wouldn’t be able to have my “reward” day after stepping off the scale. Because there would be no food. Also, I don’t want to die in some kind of natural disaster like a tsunami or even in a plague, because that’s gross. But I’ll take a comet to the face, no problem. Or what if we get vaporized by that dark matter that the Science channel is always talking about? That doesn’t seem so bad. My point is, if everyone has to go, like every living human being on the planet, then I definitely want to also, because I’m not missing out on something like that, for sure.
Then there’s the second scenario. A major event wipes out the vast majority of the the people living on Earth. Given I’m not one of them, this would be awesome. In fact, hasn’t everyone, at one point or another, fantasized about being one of the last people left on the planet? I definitely have. There were two games that me and the kids on my block played growing up. One was “Night Of The Comet” which was based on an 80s film, where a comet turns ninety percent of the population into zombies for a couple of days, leaving a few lucky teenagers to battle them over all the cool shit left at the mall. The other was “Red Dawn” where hot Russians come down in parachutes and drive a couple of girls into the mountains with Charlie Sheen and Patrick Swayze. Both of these games were end of the world type scenarios and I loved them, especially the part where it was my job to start repopulating the Earth with Danny Boreman, the cute boy from across the street.
Naturally I have stipulations for this possibility as well. I would like all of my friends and family, an operator from ConEd electric company and perhaps all of the members of Scotland’s rugby team, to survive. And I would like the “major event” to be a rapture type situation where everyone just kind of disappears, leaving me with no messes to clean up, just a bunch of mansions to party in. Beyond that we’re cool!
Think about all the fun you would have! First thing I would do is get my hands on a bunch of drugs and head to the Chelsea Piers with all of my friends to jump on the trampolines and dive into the foam pits. Hell, I’d try heroin!
You could have your own private pool party at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. I could take a hundred turns in a row on the diving board at the Asphalt Green or go use the trapeze set on the West Side Highway.
Not to mention, I LOVE going through other people’s stuff. The whole world would be like one giant fun house where I could go into anybody’s place and sift around. Play with all of their gadgets. Eat all of their fancy food. God, the supermarket alone would be unbelievable and I wouldn’t gain weight because I’d be too busy riding all the horses and climbing all of the rock walls every day, because I don’t have to go to work anymore! Which is truly the best part.
Once civilization did get going again, I’d have a cool job like Sarah Conner and be the leader of a revolution, because it’s only my television habit that holds me back from doing something like that now.
I’m almost excited!
Even if the world doesn’t end on Friday, just the thought of it is a good exercise in determining what you should be trying more of now. Like heroin. And if the world does end, well there’s all sorts of silver linings out there. I asked a bunch of friends what the best part of doomsday would be and these are some of their responses:
‘I’ll be drunk on a flight to Europe, not sure I’m really devastated. It’s a good way to go. Oh! I won’t have to pay off two-hundred and fifty grand in school loans. Fuck you federal government!”
(This was actually a popular one, got a couple of sour texts about school loans.)
“TGIF…O -Thank God It’s Finally…Over.”
Hunie then went on to send this text about his wife’s response who is a psychologist: “The past is done, the future hasn’t happened, let it go. That’s Mia’s psychobabble.”
“Everyone I hate will die. That’s good.”
“I’ve got nothing. It might be cool for the few people listening to “it’s the end of the world as we know it”; hopefully it’s during the chorus so they won’t have to mumble though the rest of the song.”
“I wouldn’t regret the dude I slept with last night…if the world ended.”
“I would indulge in some ice cream with whipped cream on top. To heck with cholesterol!”
“I would eat peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon. Sorry, rough night last night.” This is what I get for posing this question at 10 a.m. on a Sunday morning.
And my personal favorite:
“I would never have known a world without Twinkies.”