My Friend’s Horrifying Break Up Is Really Making My Day!

Last week, one of my best friends got dumped by her boyfriend. It was awful. When he went home for Thanksgiving they were a couple. A week and a half later, when he returned, he was pretty much engaged to another woman. I felt terrible for her. But if I’m being honest, I couldn’t be happier for myself!

Let’s face it, single girls LOOOOVE when their friends break up with their boyfriends. Don’t get me wrong, boyfriends are cool, but they tend to get in the way. I have one friend whose boyfriend I love, yet every time she invites me to dinner, I show up fully prepared to spend the evening talking shit about him (which is pretty much what all girls do when their significant others aren’t around) and there he is! They spend the evening trying to figure out a way to eat without letting go of each other’s hands, while I sit there trying to stick to safe conversations, like how work is going. I don’t care how work is going, I want to hear about how crappy your relationship is!

Then there’s when boyfriends turn into husbands. Even worse. Over the past two years, two of my friends got married and now one of them is leaving me forever to move half-way across the country and the other one is moving upstate to have eight million babies. My friends are dropping like flies, so when Carmen told me a couple of days ago that her man jumped ship and she wouldn’t be going to Texas like originally planned, I comforted her for a couple of hours and then jumped for joy over all the fun I’m going to have! Here’s why:

I have a bestie again!

“But she was your bestie before!” you might say. No! Before, her boyfriend was her best friend. And while I’m on the subject, am I the only one who finds it annoying when couples use this term for one another? Best friends tell each other absolutely everything and when mine confesses to me that she’s banging all of her co-workers, I don’t tell her she has a small dick and then throw my hairdryer at her. That behavior I save for my BOY-friend. See the difference? But anyway, now that Carmen no longer has her “best friend” I’ve moved up a notch.

Example: When my best friend Vanna got dumped on Superbowl Sunday a number of years ago, it was great! This was a girl I had been inseparable with for close to twenty years but when we had boyfriends, we were lucky if we saw one another once a month. When we both broke up with our guys at nearly at the same time, we were able to connect in a way that we hadn’t since we were much younger. Neither one of us had anything better to do, so we were up each other’s asses constantly. You know that friend you have who you text back and forth with, like thirty times a day? Usually saying nothing at all like “I’m bored.” or “What should I watch?” That was us again, and I loved it. That just doesn’t happen when you have a boyfriend, because you’re doing that with your boyfriend.

This is totally going to get me out of the house!

My girlfriend’s relationships have been murder on my social life. Their situations have a tendency to keep them locked away from the world, which subsequently leaves me to suffer the same. I’m sorry, but I’m just not going to get dressed up like Richard Simmons and go to 80s night all by myself. But now my weekends are set! Carmen’s gruesome split means I don’t have to spend Friday nights deciding if the candles I light while I’m knitting should give off a mellow scent to lull me to sleep or a more energetic aroma, given I decide to go hard and craft til eleven p.m.

Instead, I’m going to be going to concerts and getting silly drunk and acting like a complete spazz on a more regular basis. I’ve seen more of Carmen this last week than I have in a number of months and we’re having a blast. Of course she’s upset, who wouldn’t be? But that’s not going to stop me from being excited about all of our upcoming endeavors. It’s Saturday night and we’re actually going to dinner! Who does that? Now compare it to what I spent last Saturday night doing when Carmen still had a boyfriend:

Just look at how annoyed my cat is. I’m sure he’s thrilled about this turn of events as well.

This took me forty-five minutes! I spent twenty-five shooting us from different angles and then another twenty putting this photo through various filters and deciding on whether the bokeh lights should be hearts or stars. So yeah, you’re breaking up with your boyfriend? I’m all for it.

And just to be clear, if it sounds like I’m being slightly insensitive during my girl’s time of need, this is her:

breakups

I think she’ll be OK.

While I agree that break ups suck, the silver lining to losing someone you love, is you often recover a lot of the people you lost. So Carmen, I want to thank you for doing me a solid here. I’m really looking forward to all the time we get to spend together in the future. And to all of my other friends who are in relationships, if things start going sour, fret not, I’m always here waiting to pick up where we left off.

Unless I have a boyfriend. In that case, in the famous words of Eric Cartman:

 

  • Rochelle Migliore

    I burst out laughing just seeing the title, this was really, really funny 😀

  • Oma

    Kelly Muffin how can you be so happy about some one’s heartbreak. Bur then again, be happy until you find a new love.

    • Kelly

      Because I’m a horribly selfish person Oma :(

  • Auntie Nic

    How is that first picture the most perfect ever…you are a true genius. I didn’t even have to read anymore.

  • Gabriele

    I was in a funk yesterday. Got some bad news about a friends husband. Needed a pick me up so I thought I’d read the new blog on The Rheel Daze. Kelly, you gave me a good laugh! I was at work when Magda and Antonine wanted to know why I was smiling at my computer screen. I showed them your article and we were all busting up laughing. Thanks Kelly, for making my day. Love you! PS…Oma said she loved this article, had a good laugh at your girlfriends expense! But didn’t want to look too crase. We just can’t help ourselves in this family, can we. Is that the correct spelling …crase….? Spell check is not working.

    • Kelly

      I had a feeling she understood the sarcasm, but there was some debate as to whether I was in trouble or not.

  • Jeff

    Haven’t read any of it yet but the picture is classic!! Who was your photographer?

    • Kelly

      Vanna, who else?

  • Jeff

    For all I know you’ve trained the cat to take inappropriate pictures of you.

    • Kelly

      Well inappropriate photos, yes. This one was rather tame however so we had Vanna do it.

  • Beedee

    Too right! Thanks for the memories… Not to mention the laughs!

  • Carmen Cortis

    In our defense… this was the best way to add satire to a touchy situation….. Thank you to my best friend (and when the hell did I ever call a bf my best friend???) for making me laugh and being the most beautiful and witty person I know!!!! LOVE THIS! Next break up any of us have should make for some comical writing!!!!

    • Kelly

      You never called your boyfriend your best friend, that is for sure! Just making a general comment. Thank you so much for allowing me to exploit your personal grief for my personal gain. This has been the most popular post yet! It really shows what a great sense of humor you have, but more importantly, it shows what a great sense of humor I have. Honestly, you are awesome for letting me do this. Love you always muffin. Now let’s go meet some sailors.

  • Jackie

    Great article, Kel!…I found time to read it while preparing for my eight million future upstate babies lol. Xoxo to Carmen! Lets all do a girls night soon! PS, Carmen…Tonys friend wants to meet u. Hes italian, a cop, from Queens. Hes cute and ive heard hes a nice guy. Kelly….dont throw your hair dryer!

    • Kelly

      You know, I love how Carmen has been single for ten minutes and people come out of the woodwork wanting to meet her, yet I’ve been single for seven damn years and not so much as a lunch invitation! Not like I could date a cop anyway I suppose :) Thanks for reading Jackie, if you ever need babysitter, you can always call Carmen. Love you!

      • Jackie

        Lol. I’ll take you to lunch 😉

  • Carmen Cortis

    This interaction is hysterical. I am not sure what to say lol FEAST or FAMINE I tell you! That is my quote of the week ;0)

  • Vanna

    Gees I have been missing out on this fantastic banter! Article hysterical of course!

  • Jeff rheel

    Do you realize this post has dwarfed your other posts in facebook likes.

  • Carmen Cortis

    I am glad my past misery has caused an uproar on twitter, facebook and every other social website…. maybe I will get hit by a train tomorrow and we can get a good laugh out of it ;0) JK. Anything to support my Kelly’s fame and fortune!!!!! xo

    • Carmen Cortis

      Ps no sailors for me thanks. I may join the monastery soon…..

  • Rochelle Migliore

    Who needs Saturday night plans when there’s ElfYourself

    • Kelly

      Who needs a job when there’s Elfyourself? I’m lucky I made it to work at all this week.

  • http://callmesassafras.wordpress.com Allie

    Hahahah this is GOLD. So funny! So glad I found you on yes and yes! You’ve got a new follower in me! xx

    Allie @ callmesassafras.wordpress.com

    • Jen

      I second every word of Allie’s post! I found you via Yes and Yes and this post is hilarious…and I feel the same way! Except now I have a boyfriend and all my friends are married. We never see each other!

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