Fan Mail

package

I realize I may be giving myself slightly more credit than I deserve here, but if ever the Russian government wanted to target me for assassination, all they would have to do is send me food in the mail. Allow me to explain: About two weeks ago, right before Christmas, I received a mysterious package from an address I was not familiar with. I love it when this happens. Or at least I now know I do, because this was the first time I had ever gotten a mystery gift Read More…




14 Things We Need To Let Go Of In 2014

2014

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. Somehow the thought of promising to do a bunch of things I’m never going to do and then feeling guilty about not doing them, isn’t appealing to me. I don’t need to get stuck with a hangover in July and agonize over my commitment to not drink Diet Cokes or end up disappointed next December when it dawns on me that I never learned Spanish. It’s too much pressure. Instead, I like to focus on all of the things that other people should stop Read More…




Slackers Inc.

SantaCat

Because slacking off can be hard work. Let me do it for you. Are we even going to pretend like anyone is getting anything done today? I will be actually. My Christmas shopping, that is. And a whole day earlier than I’m used to which is making me feel like I’m really ahead of the game this year! However when it comes to work, tis’ the season to surf the internet while watching the clock count down to mid day, where you can finally pack it in and slip past Read More…




Is Anyone Getting Anything Done In December?

Believe

There’s a reason this post is coming to you at the end of the week instead of my normally scheduled Monday or Tuesday delivery and that reason is because I’ve lost all control over my life due to the absolute insanity that is the holiday season. Now before I continue, I just want to be clear, this is not one of those deals where I gripe about what a bitch the period between Thanksgiving and New Year’s is. I’m no Grinch. In fact, I quite like the holidays. It’s just that Read More…




Writing Holiday Cards Is Making Me Hate Everyone I Know

screwyou

It’s that time of year again and I love doing holiday posts! However, I’m still busy with this temporary (or lasting WAAAAAAY longer than I thought it would) writing gig which is making it pretty difficult for me to drum up new articles a couple times a week. Instead, I’ll be sharing one I did from last year that’ll be sure to annoy all of my friends and family, just in time to get me dropped from their Christmas gift lists. If you’re one of those people, you’re welcome. Enjoy! Read More…




How To Have An Unproductive Day

Unproductive Day

One of the first posts I ever wrote on this blog was called How NOT To Live Every Day Like It’s Your Last, which basically considered the idea that maybe we all need to chill the fuck out on this notion of constantly “seizing the day”. Every time I see one of those memes on Facebook or Instagram about making the most of my life, I want to remind the author that anyone who was actually out there doing that, would probably be too busy heli-skiing or wreck diving to spend half Read More…




Slackers Inc.

LazyDog

This dog has it all wrong. You’re supposed to lay off the couch lying on your back. That way, when you’re drizzling Nestle Quick into your mouth from a two foot drop, you don’t spill it on the rug. What is wrong with young people today?! So I’ve got a bunch of fun links for you but if I’m being honest, I feel like somewhat of an impostor including them in this week’s Slackers. Sometimes I do all this internet surfing and I’m really proud of myself when I find interesting and Read More…




Just What The Hell Is Going On With Girls These Days?

whiskey

I’ve got a bone to pick with you ladies. Especially the younger ones. You know, it used to be that a woman could go to a bar and order a vodka-cranberry without feeling like a total pussy for not downing bourbon like it’s what she puts in her breakfast cereal. However it seems those days are over because everywhere I look, women of all ages, are drinking whiskey as though they actually enjoy it. They’re nursing a Maker’s Mark on the rocks or savoring a Glenlivet neat. No coke. No water. Read More…




I’m Forfeiting My Holiday Spirit This Year So I Can Enjoy The Goddamn Holidays

BlackFridayMacys

Few things test my faith in humanity like watching footage of people shopping on Black Friday. Only twelve hours before, or in some cases, minutes as many stores are now open at fucking 8 p.m. on Thanksgiving (!) I was looking at my Facebook feed which showed one person after another proclaiming how blessed and grateful they were for x, y and z and then in the blink of an eye, a number of those same people are down at the local mall, clawing someone’s eyes out to get to Read More…




Go Stuff Yourself!

VeggieTurkey

Hey there! Before I start I should quickly admit that this post is a repeat from last year. See, I was actually able to score a temporary writing gig and it turns out in that world, they have these things called “deadlines” so I didn’t have time to write anything fun for today. That’s when I figured that once again, making a fruitless attempt to guilt you all into giving up your turkeys would be lots of fun. Don’t hate me, this is only a suggestion. Anyway, here it goes: Read More…