A few days ago I had an intervention of sorts. Two of my beloved co-workers, Saime and Jen, both of whom are considerably younger than me and well versed in the current stylings of the kids these days, sat me down for a little “talk”. Seeing as I’ve been fired from over a dozen jobs, I figured that’s what was happening, which wasn’t so bad because at least I could leave early and hit the gym. Much to my dismay however, what they had to discuss with me was way more upsetting than the prospect of being homeless in a month.
“It’s about your clip.” Saime started.
“What clip?” I asked.
“The 90’s butterfly clip that you wear in your hair every day to work.” she answered.
At first I laughed. There was nothing wrong with my clip. It was just a clip, to hold my hair back, pretty simple. But when I looked at Jen to confirm this was all some kind of a joke, she just shook her head at me somberly. That’s when I knew things were serious.
I’ve definitely had my share of fashion faux-pas over the years, but never like the ones you see on those horrible make-over shows, where the person is completely out-of-date and clueless. Yet, when the girls went on to explain to me why it was important that I cease any and all further contact with my hair accessory, that’s exactly how I felt.
“Well what’s wrong with it?!” I shot at them defensively, to which Jen mumbled “What’s not wrong with it?”
“It’s too big! It’s not supposed to have more than two prongs, yours has four.” Saime started.
“And it has a butterfly handle for Christ’s sake!” Jen chimed in. “People haven’t worn butterfly handles since high school. You might as well be wearing a scrunchie.”
I could feel myself getting dizzy as the two of them then took my clip and started playing with it, reminding each other of all the ways they used to wear ones just like it, fifteen years ago. Was it possible I was so out of touch, that for months I had been wearing what was the equivalent of a Topsy Tail or banana clip? I rocked this thing everywhere, to work, at weddings! Here’s a picture of me wearing it in a photo that was almost chosen for the About Page on this website:
Guess I dodged a bullet there! But still, I was horrified. Not to mention pissed off that I had been sporting this thing every day since June and they were only just telling me about it now. Either way, I needed a solution to this problem. A pony tail wasn’t gonna cut it. I work as a laser hair removal specialist and am regularly bent over the most intimate parts of about thirty-five women a day. The last thing I needed was one of these ladies thinking I was going above and beyond the call of duty when my loose ends started tickling their nether regions. So I asked the girls what I should do with my hair.
“Put a sock in it!” Jen said, which I thought was funny because that’s exactly what I had wanted her to do from the beginning of this conversation! Which also only goes to show that they were right in their assessment, that I am in fact, from another era.
Jen explained to me that instead of clipping my hair back I should put it in a sock bun. Not having any idea what the hell a sock bun was, I had them pull up a tutorial on YouTube for me. Check it out. This woman is clearly insane but she makes one hell of a bun.
I decided to give it a shot. The first thing I noticed was that my sock wasn’t nearly as forgiving as my cherished butterfly clip. While I could easily twist all of my hair into a knot and secure it above my head in a matter of seconds before, this took me seven tries and at least twenty minutes, making me late for drinks with Carmen. I HATE being late. Strike one against the sock bun.
Strike two against the sock bun came later in the night, when after six vodkas, I spent nearly a quarter hour trying to unroll a tangled stocking off my dome. All of a sudden, the giant butterfly handle on my old clip didn’t seem so horrible anymore as it was easy to find and not buried in hair. All I had to do was squeeze the two sides of it together and everything fell out nice and pretty.
I think strike three against the sock bun was the clincher however. Although it was cute and a nice change for a night out, it wasn’t something I could see myself wearing on a regular basis without coming across as a thirty-four year old, trying to look like a twenty-five year old. Something about it seemed desperate. I’m not hating. Saime and Jen look adorable with their massive amounts of hair sitting in puffy piles on top of their noggins. But they’re cool. I don’t think I am anymore. Actually, I just used the word “noggin” not two seconds ago so I think it’s pretty safe to say I know I’m not.
Still, I had to retire my clip. There’s only so much chastising from my co-workers I can handle. Saime and Jen couldn’t be happier, going so far as to hold a memorial for my fallen hair piece on Instagram for all of my friends to see.
Saime, who was especially sensitive to my loss, even included all of these wonderful hashtags for me.
So I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do now as it is Monday morning ten minutes before I have to leave for work and I’ve got hair everywhere! Maybe I can use the chopsticks from the Sushi I ordered last night to keep it in place. I seem to remember Claire Danes doing something similar on My So Called Life. Whatever the case, I’m sure these two will have plenty to say about it…
…preferably BEFORE I attend another formal event looking like I’m ready for my junior prom!