Because slacking off can be hard work. Let me do it for you.
I’m not sure I could have found a more appropriate image to depict what I’ve looked like over the past month than this hippo sadly watching all of his life’s goals and dreams escape him. Actually, scratch that. If this hippo were laying upside down off a shredded Ikea couch watching his sixteenth episode in a row of House Of Cards and not understanding a damn minute of it, then we’d have a bingo. But this is close enough.
Jesus. I’m so dramatic sometimes! You know, every once in a while we just need to lay on the couch all slack jawed and go “duuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrr” for like four hours or thirty days or however long it takes, right? Life is tough! Kind of. And the remedy is to occasionally get drunk on dumb stuff like The Walking Dead. Which by the way, I wish would just end already! Someone please tell me this is the last season. Is it me or is every single episode the exact same scenario? People kill zombies, zombies eat one or two of them, people lose hope, people find hope upon discovering a country club with one or two bottles of hooch still left in it, zombies compromise strong hold, people run off in search of other people. Repeat. However since I’m four or five seasons or whatever season this is deep, I can’t stop watching now. I just want all these idiots to bite it already. Haha! Pun.
OK, I’ve gotten off track…what I meant to say was we shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves when we need a break. Let’s take you for example in this exact moment. It’s Friday and you’ve made it almost seventeen minutes at your job without drifting off and looking for distractions on the internet. That’s cause for a celebration if I’ve ever heard one!
Lucky for you, the one thing I didn’t let slide was all the internet nonsense I keep up on, so after a month of being away I’ve got a whole file full of bullshit to get you through to at least lunch, if not all the way to happy hour. I’ll start with the most timely links first and save the rest for next week. How’s that? Enjoy!
I generally don’t like to single out individuals for ridicule or vitriol on this blog but I’ll make an exception for Justin Bieber who has got to be the most worthless member of the most useless generation of all time. And that’s seriously saying something coming from someone rooted in the second most useless generation of all time; my own. Anyway, here’s a parody of Bieber’s “disposition” which was just released on line.
Speaking of parodies, here’s another one for you. I don’t understand half the shows I watch on TV these days but in the case of True Detective, I mean that quite literally. Turns out I’m not the only one.
I could not be more proud of this entrepreneurial little genius if she was my own daughter. Girl scout sells cookies outside of pot dispensary and predictably sells out in two hours.
There is some serious Back To The Future nostalgia going around right now and I’m falling for all of it. I would love to believe that Marty McFly’s self-tying Nike power laces are a real thing but I already got duped by an ad for a legit hover board and now I don’t know what to think!
I know it’s seems like six years in internet time since this video of an absolutely insane piano prodigy on Ellen came out but I want to talk about it now!
I never thought I would want a pet crocodile but after reading this, I still don’t.
Oh no!Is this the internet becoming self aware?!!! Good, maybe it can clear its own goddamn cookies off my computer now since it never takes me less than three hours to figure out how. Anyway, here’s the internet reporting on the birth of the internet.
I’m putting this link up for Rachel and McGyvra just because it has a long haul trucker in it. Rachel, try to keep it together.
21 Reasons Why Old People Are The Best People On The Internet. I laughed the whole way through.
“When I saw the tape a month or so ago, what is surprising is that my reaction is not one of gratitude for the positive changes I’ve experienced but envy at witnessing an earlier version of myself unencumbered by the burden of abstinence.”- Russell Brand in an extremely relatable statement about what it’s like for a former drug user to see a past image of himself on drugs.
Some dude named Gomez made a hamburger that’s bigger than Mars. You’ll have to travel through space using this interactive model of size in the universe to see what I’m talking about.
“They are so weirdly optimistic you just can’t stay irritated at them.” – An excerpt from one of my favorite new series about travel tips for visiting America.
Men. Can’t live with em’. Can’t kill em’. But it’s OK. They’ve got that covered.
And finally, let’s end on a high note! This bird looks like one of those little foam capsule things that you put in water and watch it grow. Look at him/her transform over a span of 36 days!
OK, you went “duuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrr” for longer than usual today. Time to get back to work! You should probably grab lunch first though. No need to sprain anything.