Valentine’s Day

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One time on Valentine’s Day, I got my girly on, and wore an adorable little skirt, and a pink and white striped sweater, with a fake fur jacket, and got my hair and nails all did, and was super excited to go out to a fancy dinner. I had no idea where we were headed but Jeff’s “I got this” face was enough to make me all bouncy in the cab on the way. He took me to Peter Luger’s. Possibly one of the best steak houses in the country, but it Read More…

Ain’t No Babies Up In This Crib

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Whether or not I want to have kids is something I’ve always been unsure of. My pendulum of emotions on the subject swings so drastically that in the span of a month, I can go from being one of those self-righteous assholes who dry heaves any time the subject of babies comes up, to practically scanning the subway for potential sperm donors. Being in my thirties isn’t helping, especially since I’m not in any position to have a child right now. As the time slips away to potentially mother something, Read More…

Ten Reasons I Know I’m Getting Older

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Getting older was never really something I concerned myself with, mostly because in my mind, it wasn’t happening to me. I mean, I still live like someone in their twenties. I’m not married, I have no kids, and I don’t know what a 401K is. However, lately I’ve been taking notice of some things that are somewhat alarming to me, and I’m pretty sure they’re signs that I’m getting older. #1 I Can’t Take Foul Language Yes, I know I use it on this site quite regularly, but six-year-olds aren’t Read More…

The Whole Three Yards

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An experiment in getting everything you want, without having to work too hard. A few months ago, when I first launched this website, I included a post that aimed to explore whether or not it was possible to turn your life around, without all of that dogged determination and hard work that the President and Oprah are always talking about. Every success story we hear is plagued by it. Some over-achiever being interviewed on Nightline about how he/she worked day and night in order to open their little store which is Read More…

I Love Being At The Airport!

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Is there anywhere more exciting to be than the airport? Not like picking up or dropping off a friend, that sucks, but when you’re about to head off on an adventure, it’s the first stop on your trip, where you can experience all the crazy shit that the world has to offer. Including yourself. You Can Be A Totally Different Person I lie to everyone I meet at the airport. Why not? I’m never going to see them again and I don’t want to be my boring, regular self. Yesterday when Read More…

Writing Holiday Cards Is Making Me Hate Everyone I Know

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A number of years ago, I decided that I was absolutely hilarious and it was very important that all of my friends and family be made aware of this. My lightening bolt of inspiration struck on a snowy Christmas afternoon, when after constructing a Calvin and Hobbes inspired snowman scene in my father’s backyard, I was so taken with my craftsmanship, I determined it had to be made available to the public. Thus, I was thrust into a special kind of holiday hell: the Christmas card. Naively, I thought what better Read More…

It’s The End Of The World As We Know It…And I Feel Fine

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So this is it? Friday is the big day. We’re all going down, right? According to a bunch of dudes who wrote a calendar thousands of years ago, that’s exactly what’s going to happen. It’s the end of days, which sounds like it could suck, but I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve decided, maybe it won’t be so bad. The one thing that has always bothered me about dying, is that the party still goes on but I’m no longer a part of it. I think about all of Read More…

How To Beat The Sunday Blues

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Every week on Sunday around 4 p.m. I look at the clock and realize I only have about seven hours left until my weekend is officially over. A panic begins to set in as I start a countdown until my midnight bedtime, where I’ll have to pack it in and start my work week all over again.

My Friend’s Horrifying Break Up Is Really Making My Day!

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Last week, one of my best friends got dumped by her boyfriend. It was awful. When he went home for Thanksgiving they were a couple. A week and a half later, when he returned, he was pretty much engaged to another woman. I felt terrible for her. But if I’m being honest, I couldn’t be happier for myself! Let’s face it, single girls LOOOOVE when their friends break up with their boyfriends. Don’t get me wrong, boyfriends are cool, but they tend to get in the way. I have one Read More…

Sandy Says: No Halloween!

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I’m just going to mention before I start this article, that I was on the phone with my Oma yesterday and she was telling me how she enjoys my posts, however she doesn’t like when I use the “f-word” and such, which is funny because she curses on a fairly regular basis, only after every time she says “Oh mein Got, Kelly muffin. You know I’m not zupposed to zay zet.” as if stating so will neutralize the fact that she just has. Either way, her birthday was yesterday so Read More…