Image from www.thegreenhead.com

Getting older was never really something I concerned myself with, mostly because in my mind, it wasn’t happening to me. I mean, I still live like someone in their twenties. I’m not married, I have no kids, and I don’t know what a 401K is. However, lately I’ve been taking notice of some things that are somewhat alarming to me, and I’m pretty sure they’re signs that I’m getting older.

#1 I Can’t Take Foul Language

Image from foulmouthtshirts.com

Yes, I know I use it on this site quite regularly, but six-year-olds aren’t logging on to check out what therheeldaze has to say about drinking at the airport, however they are walking down the street, just trying to go about their own business without you alerting them of your sexual promiscuity. Now when I see a guy sporting something like this, my initial reaction is to pull him aside and explain to him that what he’s wearing is inappropriate because there are children about, rather than slipping him my number.

#2 I’m Afraid To Go To The Movies After 8 p.m.

I had dinner with a couple the other night and when I asked them what they were doing later they said “going to the movies.” It was ten p.m. so I had to clarify that when I said “later” I didn’t mean tomorrow or over the weekend, like later that evening, at which point they reiterated that they were in fact, going to the movies. I nearly fell out of my chair. What kind of psychopaths go to the movies after ten? For me, any time past 8:30 and I’m looking at a twelve dollar nap. I just can’t sit in a dark room for over two hours anymore without the possibility of falling asleep, which is why, like a person who hasn’t completely lost their mind, I catch the 7:45.

#3 Hangovers Are Lasting Way Too Long

I remember when I was twenty-two, wanting to know “What are these hangovers that everyone keeps talking about?” Now, when it’s three days after a big night out and I’m still having a hard time getting up for work and not stuffing my face with junk, I want to smack that cocky twenty-two year old with the head of a ball peen hammer just to relay a proper idea of what’s in store for her, ten years down the line.

#4 The Girls I Work With Have No Idea What I’m Talking About Most Of The Time

I am by seven years, the oldest person at my job, which might make one question whether or not I work at Blockbuster. Actually, just the fact that I think anyone still works at Blockbuster, only goes to show how old I am.

On a regular basis, the twenty-something-year-old women I work with look at me with complete bewilderment when I ask them where there’s a Radio Shack because I need a new chord for my computer, or tell them how I had to hire a web designer to install the background on my Twitter page.

One of the biggest spots of contention in the office is the music we listen to. Recently, as a compromise, Jen suggested we put on Summer Hits of the 90s. I objected, saying that all they were going to play was crap like Will Smith’s “Summertime”. She had no idea what I was talking about. There was no way she didn’t know what “Summertime” was, so I played it for her while I danced around the office and recited every single lyric. Still nothing. Yet, as it turns out, I really like Will Smith’s song “Summertime”.

#5 I Won’t Go To A Bar Where I Can’t Sit Down

This is hell to me now.

There was a time when the criteria for a decent bar was that it was packed and blasting good music. Now when I ask a friend who arrives before me “What’s it like in there?” and she answers “It’s dead.”, I’m all like “Sweet! I’ll be right over.”

I can’t stand in bars. First of all, I feel like an idiot trying to hold my drink up with my coat thrown over my arm, while being bumped back and forth by everyone making their way to and from the bathroom. Secondly, you can never really start a conversation while you’re standing because everyone in the group is preoccupied with scanning the room for the first set of seats that open up. If it’s too loud and there’s nowhere to sit, we’re moving on.

#6 I’m Bitter Towards Men

I used to hate listening to women in their thirties or forties talk about what shits men were. “That’s such an unattractive quality.” I would say at twenty-four. “No wonder they’re single.” But now that I’ve got ten years of additional experience under my belt (literally, haha! Sorry dad) I’ve noticed that the tone of my conversations about men has changed. It’s decidedly more negative now than how it was a decade ago when I was still all enthusiastic about the ways they could enrich my life.

I was having a conversation with two of my best girlfriends the other day about men and at one point I actually caught myself saying “Ah, they’re all useless anyway!” I’m officially one of those bitter women I used to make fun of.

#7 I Talk Down To Twenty-Three-Year Olds

Just the other night I was out at a bar and met a bunch of Australians who were here on vacation. They were all between twenty-two and twenty-three years old but for whatever reason, were hanging around me and my friends all night. On numerous occasions one of them would say something and I would proclaim “Oh my God, you’re so cute, Liz, isn’t he adorable?!”

I find that this happens here and there when I’m around people who are quite a bit younger than me. It’s totally obnoxious and completely condescending, so I try and keep it in check, but part of me feels like it’s a right of passage to be able to occasionally talk to them like they’re clueless. Because really, what the hell does a twenty-three-year old know anyway? Like nothing. That’s what.

#8 I Don’t Understand Vice Magazine Anymore

I used to read this magazine religiously. I’ve bought books of their more popular essays and even have one specifically dedicated to the DOs and DON’Ts section. When I read Vice today, it’s so full of hipster abbreviations like “totes” and “randos” and “obvie” I feel like I need the help of a cryptographer in order to make any sense of it.

Plus, now I just think the DOs and DON’Ts are mean.

#9 I Find Teenagers To Be The Most Annoying People On Earth

They’re loud, they’re stupid and they’re making me uncomfortable on the train. Is there any one group of people who are more consistently irritating than teenagers? I never used to mind them so much, possibly because I was one, but that shit was twenty years ago!

Now when I come across them hanging off of the subway railings or littering all over the place, I just want to curl myself into a ball in the corner of the car so that they don’t notice me or smack their faces for being so goddamn disrespectful!

#10 My Vocabulary Is Out Of Control

I have no idea when I started saying things like “okie dokie” or “C’mon! you’re lollygagging!” but they are such a common thread in my vernacular now that I may as well just color myself in black and white and walk all weird like they do in old time baseball reels. Seriously, here is a list of things that may come out of my mouth at any given moment: Holy cow, Holy moly, dilly-dallying, whippersnappers, oh my goodness, kiddo, none of your beezwax, lady friend, or that’s bonkers.

Not to mention the time last summer when Cairo didn’t listen to me the first time I told him he had to sit down if he was going to hang with me on the fire escape. When he stood up a second time I yelled out “Cairo! What did I just say?!”

Yup definitely getting older.