Ten Reasons I Know I’m Getting Older


Image from www.thegreenhead.com

Getting older was never really something I concerned myself with, mostly because in my mind, it wasn’t happening to me. I mean, I still live like someone in their twenties. I’m not married, I have no kids, and I don’t know what a 401K is. However, lately I’ve been taking notice of some things that are somewhat alarming to me, and I’m pretty sure they’re signs that I’m getting older.

#1 I Can’t Take Foul Language


Image from foulmouthtshirts.com

Yes, I know I use it on this site quite regularly, but six-year-olds aren’t logging on to check out what therheeldaze has to say about drinking at the airport, however they are walking down the street, just trying to go about their own business without you alerting them of your sexual promiscuity. Now when I see a guy sporting something like this, my initial reaction is to pull him aside and explain to him that what he’s wearing is inappropriate because there are children about, rather than slipping him my number.

#2 I’m Afraid To Go To The Movies After 8 p.m.

I had dinner with a couple the other night and when I asked them what they were doing later they said “going to the movies.” It was ten p.m. so I had to clarify that when I said “later” I didn’t mean tomorrow or over the weekend, like later that evening, at which point they reiterated that they were in fact, going to the movies. I nearly fell out of my chair. What kind of psychopaths go to the movies after ten? For me, any time past 8:30 and I’m looking at a twelve dollar nap. I just can’t sit in a dark room for over two hours anymore without the possibility of falling asleep, which is why, like a person who hasn’t completely lost their mind, I catch the 7:45.

#3 Hangovers Are Lasting Way Too Long

I remember when I was twenty-two, wanting to know “What are these hangovers that everyone keeps talking about?” Now, when it’s three days after a big night out and I’m still having a hard time getting up for work and not stuffing my face with junk, I want to smack that cocky twenty-two year old with the head of a ball peen hammer just to relay a proper idea of what’s in store for her, ten years down the line.

#4 The Girls I Work With Have No Idea What I’m Talking About Most Of The Time

I am by seven years, the oldest person at my job, which might make one question whether or not I work at Blockbuster. Actually, just the fact that I think anyone still works at Blockbuster, only goes to show how old I am.

On a regular basis, the twenty-something-year-old women I work with look at me with complete bewilderment when I ask them where there’s a Radio Shack because I need a new chord for my computer, or tell them how I had to hire a web designer to install the background on my Twitter page.

One of the biggest spots of contention in the office is the music we listen to. Recently, as a compromise, Jen suggested we put on Summer Hits of the 90s. I objected, saying that all they were going to play was crap like Will Smith’s “Summertime”. She had no idea what I was talking about. There was no way she didn’t know what “Summertime” was, so I played it for her while I danced around the office and recited every single lyric. Still nothing. Yet, as it turns out, I really like Will Smith’s song “Summertime”.

#5 I Won’t Go To A Bar Where I Can’t Sit Down


This is hell to me now.

There was a time when the criteria for a decent bar was that it was packed and blasting good music. Now when I ask a friend who arrives before me “What’s it like in there?” and she answers “It’s dead.”, I’m all like “Sweet! I’ll be right over.”

I can’t stand in bars. First of all, I feel like an idiot trying to hold my drink up with my coat thrown over my arm, while being bumped back and forth by everyone making their way to and from the bathroom. Secondly, you can never really start a conversation while you’re standing because everyone in the group is preoccupied with scanning the room for the first set of seats that open up. If it’s too loud and there’s nowhere to sit, we’re moving on.

#6 I’m Bitter Towards Men


I used to hate listening to women in their thirties or forties talk about what shits men were. “That’s such an unattractive quality.” I would say at twenty-four. “No wonder they’re single.” But now that I’ve got ten years of additional experience under my belt (literally, haha! Sorry dad) I’ve noticed that the tone of my conversations about men has changed. It’s decidedly more negative now than how it was a decade ago when I was still all enthusiastic about the ways they could enrich my life.

I was having a conversation with two of my best girlfriends the other day about men and at one point I actually caught myself saying “Ah, they’re all useless anyway!” I’m officially one of those bitter women I used to make fun of.

#7 I Talk Down To Twenty-Three-Year Olds

Just the other night I was out at a bar and met a bunch of Australians who were here on vacation. They were all between twenty-two and twenty-three years old but for whatever reason, were hanging around me and my friends all night. On numerous occasions one of them would say something and I would proclaim “Oh my God, you’re so cute, Liz, isn’t he adorable?!”

I find that this happens here and there when I’m around people who are quite a bit younger than me. It’s totally obnoxious and completely condescending, so I try and keep it in check, but part of me feels like it’s a right of passage to be able to occasionally talk to them like they’re clueless. Because really, what the hell does a twenty-three-year old know anyway? Like nothing. That’s what.

#8 I Don’t Understand Vice Magazine Anymore

PicMonkey Collage

I used to read this magazine religiously. I’ve bought books of their more popular essays and even have one specifically dedicated to the DOs and DON’Ts section. When I read Vice today, it’s so full of hipster abbreviations like “totes” and “randos” and “obvie” I feel like I need the help of a cryptographer in order to make any sense of it.

Plus, now I just think the DOs and DON’Ts are mean.

#9 I Find Teenagers To Be The Most Annoying People On Earth

They’re loud, they’re stupid and they’re making me uncomfortable on the train. Is there any one group of people who are more consistently irritating than teenagers? I never used to mind them so much, possibly because I was one, but that shit was twenty years ago!

Now when I come across them hanging off of the subway railings or littering all over the place, I just want to curl myself into a ball in the corner of the car so that they don’t notice me or smack their faces for being so goddamn disrespectful!

#10 My Vocabulary Is Out Of Control


I have no idea when I started saying things like “okie dokie” or “C’mon! you’re lollygagging!” but they are such a common thread in my vernacular now that I may as well just color myself in black and white and walk all weird like they do in old time baseball reels. Seriously, here is a list of things that may come out of my mouth at any given moment: Holy cow, Holy moly, dilly-dallying, whippersnappers, oh my goodness, kiddo, none of your beezwax, lady friend, or that’s bonkers.

Not to mention the time last summer when Cairo didn’t listen to me the first time I told him he had to sit down if he was going to hang with me on the fire escape. When he stood up a second time I yelled out “Cairo! What did I just say?!”

Yup definitely getting older.



  • Lisa

    This cracks me up…. Mainly because, I’m like a million years older than you.
    I wouldn’t go back in time if you paid me! Maybe I’d like to stay right here at 41 though. Enjoy it!
    Loveeeee uuuuuuuuu

    • Kelly

      At a certain point, six years is no longer a big deal. Well, maybe to me, not to you. You know I want to grow old with you anyway. We’re halfway there now!

  • Oma

    Like your DAZZE, but I have a feeling that Kid is smiling because he will tell us “this is not Ginger Ale in Aunt Kelly’s Glass” And, O yes Muffin, I have a feeling you never grow OLD.

    • Kelly

      Oma, that kid is well aware that there has never been any ginger ale in my apartment, however he is VERY familiar with the order “Watch the wine!” when he’s throwing himself all over my living room.

  • DQ

    I agree with every sentiment you’ve stated except I’ve never read this Vice Magazine you speak of, LOL. And regarding teenagers, if I see a group of them walking towards me, I’ll cross the street just to avoid them. I honestly can NOT image we were that irritating when WE were that age. Frankly, it’s just not possible……

  • Rochelle Migliore

    This is so funny! I think the Vice part was my favorite, when I saw that I thought “They’re still making those??” and I also thought, “Who doesn’t like Summertime??” I also realized that I too don’t know when I started using okie dokie :-/ I have noticed how much less tolerance I have for being any form of uncomfortable, like hungry or tired. Though it seems the old as hills habits I’ve picked up are really just me taking better care of myself, and (hopefully) being able to be more helpful to others. Great work Kelly!

    • Kelly

      I’m so glad you got the Vice reference! And yes! I can’t be uncomfortable anymore! Especially cold. Or hot. Or have to to go the bathroom. Ugh, I’m getting anxious just thinking about it all. Thanks Rochelle!

  • Jeff

    A 401k is a retirement plan offered by your company to allow you to deposit money tax free up to $17,500 a year. A good company will even match some of your contribution. Glad I could help…

    • Kelly

      Oh wow! That sounds like a great idea! I brought it up to my boss. He told me to go fuck myself.

      • http://kelstkd.blogspot.com/ Kelsey E. Benedict

        Your boss sounds like a wonderful man that could use a good kicking. ;]P

  • Vanna

    I like this 401k he speaks of! I love this article! I do still like watching those young whippersnappers and thinking ” oh yeah, I was like that once”
    ( eh hem, as well as some other people I know). However I try and avoid riding the subway when highschool lets out, they are all hopped up like animals let out of cages! Oh and summertime is a really good song:)

  • Carole Kane

    What the hell you think your old?

    • Kelly


  • Gabriele

    Aunt Carol has a way with words…so poetic! Ha! Ha!

  • Michelle

    Hilarious. #11: When you find yourself saying to a kid that you haven’t seen in a while, “omg, you have gotten so big! I can’t believe how much you have grown up” and then realize you are now the person who drove you batty who said that to you when you were younger”

  • Gabriele

    As for the Will Smith video, my fav is “Parents Just Don’t Understand..” and they still don’t.

  • http://thisismything.com liz

    I know I’m getting old — just sat here thinking to myself on a Saturday night, “I’m bored. Why aren’t more people pinning on Pinterest?”

  • Lloyd

    When addressing my economics class most of my real world references start with, “I know none of you are old enough to remember, but……..” It’s starting to really suck because I do remember the inflation of the Carter administration and a whole lot more. As my dear old mother used to say, ” I have to grow old, but I don’t have to grow up,” and she made it to 90.

  • Rochelle Migliore

    I experienced a new one today. I was drunk when I got home last night and don’t really remember much (anything) about what I did when I walked in the door. Today I went to put on the boots I was wearing last night, and I couldn’t find them anywhere. I started to wonder if I had even worn them home last night, and was just about to text the last people I was with to see if I, by chance, went home shoeless. Then I looked in the most unlikely of places, the spot in my closet where my shoes actually belong, and there they were, all nicely put away (which takes a bit of effort because of the set up of my closet). I would have never been so organized being that drunk 10 years ago 😀

  • diane hagerty

    Sounds like you have matured Kelly. Not such a bad thing.

  • http://kelstkd.blogspot.com/ Kelsey E. Benedict

    I do most of these things, & I’m 20.
    My friends & family say I’m mature for my age; I think I’ve just dealt with a ton of shit that most people don’t have to deal with until they’re much older.

    Anyway, I enjoyed this article, and get where you’re comin’ from. :]

    • Kelly

      Twenty?? Damn, girl. Well if I ever come across you in a bar I’ll make sure not to be all condescending and tell you how adorable you are. Even though I have a feeling you totally are.

  • http://www.amateurvagrant.com Rae

    Oh wow, I think I’ve had conversations with my friends about every one of these points. And god, the hangovers…I used to be out til 4 and then ready for work by 8. I’d work all day then go out for happy hour and all I needed was a couple cups of coffee. Now if I have more than a glass of wine before I go to sleep, I feel like I’m entitled to spend the weekend in bed wearing an eye mask and spooning my teddy bear. Also, while I catch myself talking down to 23-year-olds sometimes, and I hate it, I also find myself being waaaay more open-minded about how they behave. No, I don’t want to live next to a frat house, but if I hear someone complaining about a 23-year-old man who is playing the field, I’m all like, “Man, he’s young, he’s just having a good time!” (And you have to be over 30 before you can say “playing the field” unironically.) And if I see a gorgeous little (ugh, so condescending!) 20-something rocking a mini skirt and heels and like a crop top, I’m all like, “Work it, girly! Get you some!” When I was 23, spying someone my age who was better-looking and better-dressed sent me into a self-hate spiral that ended in a carton of ice cream and a nap. Now I’m just happy to see the young and beautiful having a good time–as long as they don’t make too much noise. Anyway, great post! Came here from Yes and Yes.

    • Kelly

      That is one perk to getting older. You can relax a bit and be happy for the little ones because you’re no longer competing with them. Or you just don’t care as much. Sometimes when I’m hanging out with my ex-boyfriend I actually find myself saying “Jesus, check out the ass on that one” when some twenty-something girl walks down the street. I would have done anything to distract him from looking when I was younger. Way to go Yes and Yes. Thanks for stopping by!

  • http://www.lifecommaetc.com Life [Comma] Etc

    Hi! I clicked over from Yes and Yes and… I’m pretty sure I’ve found a new blog friend, haha. Right on with this list!

    • Kelly

      Glad you liked it. I love new blog friends!

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  • http://rowantreedesign.co.uk/blog Robin

    I think I’ve always been prematurely middle-aged, because even when I was in my twenties, I wouldn’t go to any bar where I had to 1) line up to get in, 2) shout over the music, or 3) stand up and drink. Nope. Not ever. (Well. At least not until I was already drunk.)

  • http://junkfoodforthesoul.net/ Todd

    This is awesome. I’ve got the whole family thing going, saints be praised (there’s an oldie). I have a wife, kids, dogs, and a house with a white picket fence. I tell you this so that I can admit that when a stranger comes through my gate, I want to open a window and yell “YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN!!!”. I listen to the radio for reference because I do music for TV. I can’t tell you how hard I roll my eyes. I get eye cramps. Often when I look at teens now, I smile because I imagine how my boys will look in 10 years – but of course, teens can be SO annoying. Usually their hair frightens and confuses me. Teenage boy hair defies logic, gravity and all manner of good taste, I don’t understand it and therefore it must be evil.

  • http://www.zoeamy.com zoe

    okay I’ve never written 2 comments on 1 blog before, but i only got to 6 before very nearly having tears of laughter. I think you’ve summed it up perfectly.

    • Kelly

      Yeah! I rarely get two comments on this blog from a new reader! Thanks for that. I love how many people are finding this relatable. Makes me feel like I’m not such a fuddy duddy. Ooh, that’s a new one to add to the list. Getting older by the second.

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  • http://the-dame.com The Dame Intl

    I’m also 34 and I get every single one of these! However, if I am invited to something, my first question is: “will there be food?” and my second question is, “will there be wifi?”.

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  • Jeannie

    I am 35 and love this.

  • Courtney

    I read this and was all omg that is my idea of hell too! I’ll be 30 in a few months. I’ll probably just stay in. HA. Hahaha.