The Stanley Saga: Part III

I understand after the crazy week a lot of us have just had, not everyone is ready for the kind of nail biting drama that is the Stanley series, however I want to be done with this thing once and for all. So here it is; the harrowing conclusion of the Stanley Saga.

After our falling out at the beach, I ditched Stanley and headed to Dublin. This left him with no choice but to reach out to the only other people he knew in Ireland; his friends from Limerick. However, after spending a week with Quinny, who sustained this injury days before the picture was taken, trying to roll himself down a hill in a cement cylinder of some sort, Stanley was more than willing to come back to the States and wrap up our project together.

Just a quick side note. Quinny also wound up severely damaging his hand, when on a second attempt down the hill, he fell out of a canoe. Upon relaying this story to a friend, I was told of a drug currently being developed that is supposed to have extraordinary healing properties granted it’s administered no more than a couple of hours after an accident occurs. To test it, the researchers had to find a place where there were an inordinate amount of serious, but non life-threatening, injuries. They went to Ireland.

When Stanley arrived back in Queens we were all business. We agreed it would be best for both of us to set aside our differences and finish what we had set out to do, which was show up every other kindergartner in Cairo’s class with our awesome adventure photos, and where better to do that than in New York City?


I don’t know what happened, but once we got into Manhattan we had all kinds of fun. We went to Time’s Square and played “Where’s Stanley?” on this giant screen that made it look like we were on TV.

 Then we just bounced around town talking to strangers and goofing off.

By the end of our day together I was actually sad to see him go. I made Lisa promise to send him right back to me as soon as he was done with his assignment. But what does Lisa do?

 She takes him on a Mexican cruise. Where he proceeds to go on a six day bender…

…getting tanked with anyone he can get his hands on including this mangled pineapple and the Waponi Chief from “Joe Versus The Volcano”…

…before ultimately being kidnapped by other inebriated tourists. No joke.

About mid-way through their trip, Lisa texted to say that she had last seen Stanley in the back pocket of her backpack during one of their on-shore excursions. Then he was gone. I asked if she had unwittingly passed by any brothels or crack dens, because those are the first places I would explore if Stanley had gone missing in my company, but she assured me she had not.

Rather Lisa speculated that he was abducted by a group of rowdy travelers who had seen him sticking out of her bag earlier in the day. Apparently they were quite enamored and showed great interest in having their pictures taken with him, much like the locals in Ireland did. Only they took it a step further, hijacking Stanley and making off with him to the next cantina.

I was devastated. I can’t stand being ripped off. Which is why I am now offering a reward.

Seeking revenge is a pretty comfortable state of being for me, second only to breathing and having a wine hangover, so naturally I am hell bent on finding the bunch of drunken douche-bags who pilfered my little pal.

Anyone who presents me with information leading to the whereabouts of anyone involved in the great Stanley caper will receive an autographed copy of Summer’s Ashes. No, I didn’t write this, but I did draw the picture on the cover of the girl with the enormous head, hovering above what appears to be a Lego village.

 This is a first edition and bound to be out of print by now, so it’s very hard to come by otherwise.

As far as Stanley is concerned, given all of our issues, in the end I feel like he made out OK. I’m happy that we left on a good note, but  I hope to see him again in the future. Even if he was kidnapped, I suppose it could have been worse. My Stanley could have been shipped off to whatever absent-minded idiot left this Stanley laying around a house with a hungry dog.

Photo by dogshaming.com via Rochelle. Thanks Rochelle!

Ouch.

  • Lisa

    Poor Stanley…. :(
    Very very sad ending.

  • Gabriele Davieds

    Sad ending…but funny story! I laughed throughout this episode, starting with the first picture of Stanley with the Calvin Klein photo! And Oma would be proud that you were able to do it with limited profanity! I hope Stanley is in a better place, although I can’t imagine that he
    would be, since being with you is as good as it gets! I think you were the one who told me that.

    • Kelly

      I really am trying to curb my potty mouth! Not sure how much longer I will last.

  • Oma

    well Kelly, I enjoyed Stanley’s Adventure and can vouch for a great time he had on the Carnival cruise, since I had one there too. I hope he somehow comes back again and travels with you to Germany over New Year (maybe he gets a pair of Lederhosen, how cool would that be)
    Also I enjoyed reading the story without blushing each time I read the other Word for *********** you know what I mean.
    Very good Job Muffin.
    ….

    • Kelly

      I know what you mean Oma! I’m giving it my best efforts!

  • Rochelle Migliore

    Hahaha!!! Yay you used that picture! 😀

    • Kelly

      It was too perfect to pass up. Thanks again!

  • George

    Kelly,

    Flat Stanley left you many clues to where he is in Mexico but your crush on him has left you blind. Just look at your own photos. The look the Irishman is giving him, the scarf, wanting his photos taken with male underwear models and cowboys, handing out with other fruits and men in outlandish costumes. Pretty sure he does not want to be found but if you search, I am confident he will be here….

    http://www.adonistulum.com/

  • George

    Mistyped. Should say hanging out with other fruits.

    • Kelly

      Two things: first, I was shocked to see your spelling error. While I realize you corrected it post haste, it still seems out of character for you. You’re slipping. Second, thank you for giving me a perfectly legitimate excuse to visit Adonistulum, that place looks magnificent and I have only just booked a ticket to find my dear friend Stanley, nothing to do with the complimentary copy of Law of Desire or the unlimited mimosas.

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  • Patty Montone

    OMG, I was hysterical, only because this is an assignment that I have had to sit through when subbing in second grade. truly, your adventure has topped any of the ones I had to sit through. this is something you must save, and when Cairo gets older you will have to share it with him. Having been to Ireland I think Stanley was very lucky to have had the opportunity to travel with you… I do believe the dog was guilt ridden for having devoured Flat Stanley, but we all know had it been the cat, that wouldn’t have been the case. You are your mother’s daughter. hahahaha That is a compliment…..

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