How An Extra Day Off From Work Can Cause You To Have A Complete Mental Breakdown

Enlightened

Recently, due to a scheduling conflict at work, I found myself with an extra day off during the week. Anyone who knows me understands that from my deranged perspective, this is not unlike winning the Powerball. I don’t hate my job or anything, I just don’t like working and I’m more dramatic about having to do it than every other person on the planet. So you can imagine how excited I was when I first heard that I didn’t have to. However the gamut of emotions that I ran through during the following twenty-four hours I had free was so taxing, it made me wonder if in the future, I wouldn’t be better off just going in for my shift.

It all started with this:

Disbelief

Disbelief

Via Imgur.com

Wait, what did you just say? Did you just say I don’t have to come in to work tomorrow? Shut up. You’re fucking with me right? Are you serious? Are you being serious with me right now?! Don’t lie to to me! I honestly can NOT handle you lying to me about this! You’re not? For real! I really don’t have to come in to work tomorrow?!! Then:

Jubilation

Gymnastics

Via webneel.com

OH MY GOD! THANK YOU!

Oh dear sweet baby Jesus and all that is holy, thank you!! You won’t regret this. I’ll make it up, I swear! Not in actual work days obviously, but you know, lunch or something. Christ, is it hot in here? I’m feeling faint. Holy shit. I still can’t believe this is really happening. Next:

Maniacal Planning

Mischevious

Via jovialevil.blogspot.com

I’m gonna get so much done! I can go to the gym and get the whole apartment cleaned and cook all my healthy meals for the week and maybe I’ll go for a bike ride? Or go to the park? Or a museum! Yeah. I’ll go to a museum and start a knitting project. It’s almost fall. I’m gonna need scarves. Lots of them. I should call Carmen. I haven’t seen her in months. Hello Carmen? Wanna hang out tomorrow? I have off! OK, sweet! See you then! This is going to be awesome! But first…

Dranks!

Dranks

I do have tomorrow off after all. Just a couple. No more than six.

Followed by:

Regret

hungover

Ohhhh-kaaay. That wasn’t your best move. Just gonna lay here for a minute. Or three hours. Until I feel a bit more steady….

Anxiety

anxiety

Via seul-le-cinema.blogspot.com

You’ve got to get up. Get out of bed. Get OUT of bed! Jesus, it’s almost eleven o’ clock. You’ll feel better after a vegetable juice. You just need to hydrate. Drink a big thing of water. LOTS of water. C’mon, this is ridiculous!

Relief

DietDrPepper

Ooh Diet Dr Pepper! Sweet! Just one to wake me up.

Reasoning

CouchPotato

Via huffingtonpost.uk.com

OK. Just one hour of TV. I’ll get sick if I go to the gym right away. Just the real estate show. Maaaaybe The Challenge. Oh shit, did I DVR Dancing With The Stars? Lemme just watch a couple minutes. Just the part with Snookie. Is that the Science Guy? K, I’m gonna get ready as soon as this is over. I should eat something though.

Panic

menus

There’s no bananas. There’s beets. Am I really gonna make a vegetable juice right now? It’s too loud. Drink some water goddamit! Should I walk to the grocery store to get bananas? Noooooo! I need to eat though. Get my metabolism going before it’s too late. I could order something. Ugh, you’re gonna fuck up your whole day if you do that! No I won’t. Just get a bagel and eat a salad for dinner. That never works! You’ll be fine. You’re starving! Lemme just go get some fruit. “Hello delivery please? Yes, I’ll have a toasted everything bagel with cream cheese. Oh! And one croissant and two diet cokes. Yeah, it’s Kelly. Thank you!”

Fuck.

Guilt

bagels

Via thegazette.com

Nice work there champ. That was only eleven hundred calories, you asshole. Fuck it. I’ll take a spinning class instead of the treadmill. Ooh, The Bling Ring is on demand. OK, I’ll just watch this and then I’ll go to the gym.

Bargaining

clock

I’ll go to the 2 o’clock spin class. OK, the 4 o’clock boot camp. I can make the 6 0’clock step aerobics. Christ, it can’t be seven o’clock already!

Dread

Shit, you still have to go meet Carmen. I can’t leave this house. She’s gonna hate me. Just go get in the shower. You’re not canceling! You cancelled last week. You’re going out. But I can’t go out! You have to. Ok! I’ll get in the shower.

Carmen

Despair

dawson-crying

You ruined your whole day! Carmen hates you! You have to be at work in fourteen hours. Noooooo! I neveget a day to just relax! Imagine if you didn’t have to work tomorrow? God, that would be like, the best thing EVER. I would give anything to not have to work tomorrow. I’m hungry. Just heat up a Lean Cuisine. “Hello delivery please? Yeah, can I get two white slices, a Sicilian slice and two Diet Cokes? Uh, yeah. Kelly. Thanks!”

I hate myself. Look at this place. Why do I even bother being alive?

Exhaustion

sleepykitten

Just a quick nap on top of all this pizza.

Three hours later…

Motivation

List

You have to clean. This is disgusting. You can’t live like this. At least take the recycling out. The laundry. Something! Do one thing today! Get your knitting out. Start a hat. SOMETHING! I’ll do it tomorrow. Let’s make a list. I’ll wake up early and do everything and then I won’t feel so bad at work. Ugh! If I just had tomorrow off I could get so much done!

Insomnia

cantsleep

aquila-style.com

Awesome nap you took there before. Is it possible to get radiation poisoning from Diet Coke? I’m never sleeping again.

Fear

Insomnia

Via sodahead.com

That can’t be my alarm already. I only fell asleep thirty minutes ago! I can’t do this. I can’t do an eleven hour shift. What time is it? 7:30. FUCK. You won’t be back home for fourteen hours. I’ll just quit. Screw it. Just go back to sleep. Call in sick! You’re never going to make it!

Delirium

DeleriousHi, I’m Kelly. In the last 36 hours I’ve had eight vodkas, fourteen diet cokes, enough sugar to supply a Twinkie factory for a year and roughly six hours of sleep. I’m ready to shoot a laser at the most delicate parts of your body now!

  • http://whyimcray.blogspot.com/ Awesomely Over-Zealous

    This is the phenomena I experience at least once a week (you know those two glorious days that end the week called a “weekend”).. I always have a list of crap I swear I’m going to complete (the cleaning, the cooking, the shopping). Surprise, Surprise.. Jack & Coke and Cuba LIbres enter your system suddenly things seem less important. Hopefully you enjoyed that bum day off and that no bodies were destroyed with the lasers >:) Enjoy your weekend! -Iva

    • Kelly

      I really have no right to complain. I usually get more than two days off a week and I still have a hard time getting my life in order. I often wonder how people who only have the traditional weekend to get all of their errands done manage to keep things under control. Much respect.

      • http://whyimcray.blogspot.com/ AwesomelyOZ

        Oh.. I envy. I wish I had just one more day off.. Can’t wait until I get my work-from-home day :( I get things done because I run around like a headless chicken half the week and I take naps :) It also helps to get off at 3! Enjoy your weekend!

  • bettyloug

    OMG… it’s as if you have a window into my life! This was totally me. Well accept for the last part. If only my job were cool enough I could shoot lasers at people. Ha.

  • Lil J

    want more days off? hahaha

    • Kelly

      What do you think? You can have them all.

  • http://www.adashofquirky.com Anna

    Bahaha, yeah I know this one well!

  • Vic

    Loved this post. So funny. So true.

  • Jackie

    This might just possibly be my favorite rheeldaze post…ever. Xoxo! loves u!

  • http://www.lifeinprogress.ca kathy @ vodka and soda

    HAHAHAHAHAHAH! and oh so true!!

  • Carole Kane

    where my dvd your making f or me? that will keep you productive.

    • Kelly

      That’s on the agenda for Monday.

  • Carmen

    Omg I love love love this lol I’d never hate you I’ve spent all summer and now the beginning of fall praying for a day off so I can drink until I need to be rushed to the emergency room for Iv hydration! Next day off get drunk with me and we can regret it together! Love you !!!

    • Kelly

      I can’t wait!

  • http://damiengaleone.com/blog/ Damien

    The Irish call the day after boozing anxiety ‘The Awfuls’ and I think it’s a perfect description of it, especially if you’re eating up the morning of an extra day off. Sleeping in past 10 am now fills me with dread, does that make me old?

    • Kelly

      Haha! like “I’ve got a touch of the awfuls”? Yeah, I like it. They also call having a drink “goin’ up for a cure.” It took me a while to catch on to that one, but they both apply in reference to my general drinking habits.

  • Gabriele

    Yeah…I get it. Some of the details are different, but I experience the same story. Go Kelly! Moving onward to chasing your dream at a somewhat comfortable pace!

  • Patty Montone

    Purple Patty says: Even at age 63, those days still exist. Oh, how we mature as we get older. BTW…this is your mommy’s Roomie from Oswego! And…with wisdom you learn that you don’t need as many drinks to ruin the next day. That way you can save some money for your retirement.

  • Beedee

    I get an old peops version of this and I loved the Malcolm McDowell picture! A Clockwork of a Post indeed! Love your “voice”!

    • Kelly

      I wish I could say the same. That “voice” is the cause of many sleepless nights and waaaay too many pizza deliveries. Thanks Tante Barbel!

  • George

    I am having a very hard time comprehending this post. Do you get paid by the hour or by salary? I had always assumed by the hour. But if that is the case, I would also assume a day off is without pay. I cannot imagine anyone being happy after they were told to take an unpaid day off. Perhaps since the conflict was a result of someone else’s actions you still got paid. For only then, can I see understand your excitement.

    • Kelly

      Salary? Hahahaha! I’ve never been paid a salary in my life. I know you’re brain must be completely short circuiting at the mere suggestion that someone would trade money for freedom, but it happened. I also don’t get paid for sick days, vacation days, personal days, the list goes on. However I have what I consider to be enough disposable income to jump at the opportunity to do nothing with my life instead of something when it presents itself.

  • George

    Also, you need to give us the ability to edit a post. Just realized I some how added the word see to my last sentence. Or perhaps I added the word understand. Either word works, just not together.

  • Rochelle Migliore

    😀 ! good work, Kelly!

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