Recently, due to a scheduling conflict at work, I found myself with an extra day off during the week. Anyone who knows me understands that from my deranged perspective, this is not unlike winning the Powerball. I don’t hate my job or anything, I just don’t like working and I’m more dramatic about having to do it than every other person on the planet. So you can imagine how excited I was when I first heard that I didn’t have to. However the gamut of emotions that I ran through during the following twenty-four hours I had free was so taxing, it made me wonder if in the future, I wouldn’t be better off just going in for my shift.
It all started with this:
Wait, what did you just say? Did you just say I don’t have to come in to work tomorrow? Shut up. You’re fucking with me right? Are you serious? Are you being serious with me right now?! Don’t lie to to me! I honestly can NOT handle you lying to me about this! You’re not? For real! I really don’t have to come in to work tomorrow?!! Then:
OH MY GOD! THANK YOU!
Oh dear sweet baby Jesus and all that is holy, thank you!! You won’t regret this. I’ll make it up, I swear! Not in actual work days obviously, but you know, lunch or something. Christ, is it hot in here? I’m feeling faint. Holy shit. I still can’t believe this is really happening. Next:
I’m gonna get so much done! I can go to the gym and get the whole apartment cleaned and cook all my healthy meals for the week and maybe I’ll go for a bike ride? Or go to the park? Or a museum! Yeah. I’ll go to a museum and start a knitting project. It’s almost fall. I’m gonna need scarves. Lots of them. I should call Carmen. I haven’t seen her in months. Hello Carmen? Wanna hang out tomorrow? I have off! OK, sweet! See you then! This is going to be awesome! But first…
I do have tomorrow off after all. Just a couple. No more than six.
Ohhhh-kaaay. That wasn’t your best move. Just gonna lay here for a minute. Or three hours. Until I feel a bit more steady….
You’ve got to get up. Get out of bed. Get OUT of bed! Jesus, it’s almost eleven o’ clock. You’ll feel better after a vegetable juice. You just need to hydrate. Drink a big thing of water. LOTS of water. C’mon, this is ridiculous!
Ooh Diet Dr Pepper! Sweet! Just one to wake me up.
OK. Just one hour of TV. I’ll get sick if I go to the gym right away. Just the real estate show. Maaaaybe The Challenge. Oh shit, did I DVR Dancing With The Stars? Lemme just watch a couple minutes. Just the part with Snookie. Is that the Science Guy? K, I’m gonna get ready as soon as this is over. I should eat something though.
There’s no bananas. There’s beets. Am I really gonna make a vegetable juice right now? It’s too loud. Drink some water goddamit! Should I walk to the grocery store to get bananas? Noooooo! I need to eat though. Get my metabolism going before it’s too late. I could order something. Ugh, you’re gonna fuck up your whole day if you do that! No I won’t. Just get a bagel and eat a salad for dinner. That never works! You’ll be fine. You’re starving! Lemme just go get some fruit. “Hello delivery please? Yes, I’ll have a toasted everything bagel with cream cheese. Oh! And one croissant and two diet cokes. Yeah, it’s Kelly. Thank you!”
Nice work there champ. That was only eleven hundred calories, you asshole. Fuck it. I’ll take a spinning class instead of the treadmill. Ooh, The Bling Ring is on demand. OK, I’ll just watch this and then I’ll go to the gym.
I’ll go to the 2 o’clock spin class. OK, the 4 o’clock boot camp. I can make the 6 0’clock step aerobics. Christ, it can’t be seven o’clock already!
Shit, you still have to go meet Carmen. I can’t leave this house. She’s gonna hate me. Just go get in the shower. You’re not canceling! You cancelled last week. You’re going out. But I can’t go out! You have to. Ok! I’ll get in the shower.
You ruined your whole day! Carmen hates you! You have to be at work in fourteen hours. Noooooo! I neveget a day to just relax! Imagine if you didn’t have to work tomorrow? God, that would be like, the best thing EVER. I would give anything to not have to work tomorrow. I’m hungry. Just heat up a Lean Cuisine. “Hello delivery please? Yeah, can I get two white slices, a Sicilian slice and two Diet Cokes? Uh, yeah. Kelly. Thanks!”
I hate myself. Look at this place. Why do I even bother being alive?
Just a quick nap on top of all this pizza.
Three hours later…
You have to clean. This is disgusting. You can’t live like this. At least take the recycling out. The laundry. Something! Do one thing today! Get your knitting out. Start a hat. SOMETHING! I’ll do it tomorrow. Let’s make a list. I’ll wake up early and do everything and then I won’t feel so bad at work. Ugh! If I just had tomorrow off I could get so much done!
Awesome nap you took there before. Is it possible to get radiation poisoning from Diet Coke? I’m never sleeping again.
That can’t be my alarm already. I only fell asleep thirty minutes ago! I can’t do this. I can’t do an eleven hour shift. What time is it? 7:30. FUCK. You won’t be back home for fourteen hours. I’ll just quit. Screw it. Just go back to sleep. Call in sick! You’re never going to make it!
Hi, I’m Kelly. In the last 36 hours I’ve had eight vodkas, fourteen diet cokes, enough sugar to supply a Twinkie factory for a year and roughly six hours of sleep. I’m ready to shoot a laser at the most delicate parts of your body now!